Old Dog, Vanilla has done an excellent job laying down her boundaries and sticking to them. They are basically your rules - things you will and won't tolerate - and actions you will take in the event they are breached (mostly to protect yourself). So one could be (for example) W cannot spend joint monies to fund activities with OM. I'm sure others will chime in soon enough.
Financials - totally get where you are coming from but think it is likely to go south again if you say it like that. Let's see if others can help with how to phrase it. (I had the opposite situation - H wanted to spilt funds immediately, which felt like a devastating blow at the time by now I am thankful).
Gan, my apologies I drafted a reply but the internet ate it! Unusually for V it was done on my iPad and thus directly into the thread.
So I start again, I can only give you my take on it and my struggles. Boundaries are basically about self love, about knowing what is acceptable behaviour to you as a person. This is behaviour from others towards you and that is matched by your own behaviour towards others. It is almost impossible to have a good relationship with someone who has no idea of what behaviours are acceptable to them and is inconsistent. I think of my boundaries a little like a target board with concentric rings. my boundary tolerance is different with different people. My M has dementia so my tolerance and boundaries are more reasonable with my M. Whilst some boundaries are universal others are personal. Boundaries should be reasonable and not confused with rights or entitlement. They are personal preferences.
Boundaries need to be reasonable and easily demonstrated, they must also be capable of being enforced.
When I first started it was very hard as my previous Rs had been with partners who self enforced their behaviour and treated others as they would like to be treated. Sadly that is not the case with H who behaves and does whatever he feels like. V just fell to pieces in big noodle and doormat style. So with the help of an IC and some practice sessions V set some reasonable boundaries and enforced them. Sounds theoretical and to start with very stilted and unnatural. In fact early on V was nauseous and physically sick with fear at enforcing boundaries. I felt I had done damage to my R by doing it and that it was irreversible. This is counter intuitive I know this but I still felt uncomfortable. A big 180 for V.
My first big test was H swearing at me particularly in phone calls. I was going into screaming banshee mode which back footed me and then H would go smugly 'you see V?' So the boundary is I will not be abused on the phone.
H swears at V on the mobile. I feel abused when I am sworn at on the phone and I want this stopped, if you swear at me over the phone I will cease the call. So next time H swore at me I ceased the call. H rang back. So..... H, I advised you that I will not be sworn at over the phone and when you do this I will cease the call, so I ceased the call. Can you tell me what you were calling about please?
The next time H swore at me, I ceased the call. H, can I remind you that I will not tolerate being sworn at over the phone? If this happens again not only will I cease the call but I will turn off my phone for half an hour. What can I do for you?
It has not happened since.
A harder one, where at the end I shook like a jelly? H drinks and my boundary is that I will not sleep with nor have sex with a drunk.
H, I am unhappy sharing a bed with you when you are drunk or have been drinking heavily and if it continues every night then I will move to another room. It did and I now sleep in another room. Boundaries have to be enforced.
Another one? I will no longer pay all the bills whilst H, drinks, smokes, gambles, eats out, treats OWs and runs expensive cars. H did not work at this stage and had exhausted his own cash reserves. H has debts and a very small pension.
I feel that I pay the bills for our joint living and this is unreasonable. I want you to pay a reasonable portion into our joint account to pay towards this. I feel this should start next month. If this is not your choice then I must start to ask you to pay some bills directly and give me cheques for your half of...... In addition you will pay for and provide food for yourself etc as if we were flat mates. Can you think about what you want to do and we can talk next Tuesday ok?
H now pays to the joint account, an amount which is acceptable. He funds this by working in the business for a number of hours and he sends an invoice. no work no pay.
My IC helped a lot with the practice on this. She also pointed me to useful talk used in training of therapists on boundaries and codependency. It is not sexy like a Ted talk but I listened to it many times. Just to be clear V is not codependent so might find this easier.
I hope this helps. I was told to start with an I statement about my feelings. No one can dispute feelings nor ones right to them. Then to state the behaviour and the change needed without blame, in a neutral voice and finally the consequence. V does as she is advised. I am sure there are more sophisticated ways of doing this. But I stick to the knitting pattern and it works. V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
