Life 2.0 Pt 4

[NH115]

I appreciate your insight, Squiggy. I descend from two different Scottish clans, myself. I can put on a fair Scottish brogue, especially after a drink or two, and redheaded women are my kryptonite

My father can also be very quick-tempered, controlling, and on occasion downright bullying, though he was never violent. I know I picked up more than a few relationship pointers from him.

I definitely grew up with a less-than-stellar model of patience, so that's part of it. There may be others that I'm not thinking of, but off the top of my head I tend to get angriest when I feel out of control, my competence or character is questioned, or when I feel ignored or discarded, as in when my Ds ignore my directions. My sitch has included all three of those triggers in spades; I have no direct control over the outcome. My W has attacked my worth as a husband, a father, and my very manhood. She's also been completely resistant to seeing thing my way. I KNOW intellectually that I don't need to believe most of what she says, that I have no control, and that I'll only reach her through emotion, not logic. It still triggers me. I was actually better about it earlier in my sitch. I'm sure that fatigue and frustration are part of this as well.

I read a book about "nice guys" early in my sitch that described me to a "T". One of the things that stood out was that "nice guys" tended to be nice on the surface, but would have explosive and sometimes unexplained bursts of anger. Looking back I was because I felt like I had handed all control over my life to W in an effort to make her happy. I know my resentment spilled out onto her. Her legitimate complaints about my past behavior have often centered on my consistent moodiness and irritability. I've made a lot of progress in the last couple of years, really, in that area, but by the time I got a clue, her walls were already up.

What I have done to let go of my anger is mostly self-talk and exercise. I have also been more into prayer lately. I grew up in a religious home, but I fell away from the church for about 20 years after college. Ironically enough, I visited a church for the first time in several years the weekend before BD.