Susana (2) - Learning to detach

[susana4]

Susana, I know what you mean. Starting to be more openly appreciative and complimentary was/is a bit weird for me. Sometimes it just feels/felt a bit false. The more I do it the easier it gets

for what its worth i think the example you gave was good - probably because you really meant it

so the only tip i really have is keep doing it and be honest, over time it will become more natural.

Thanks Jim. And I'm glad it sounded sincere, because I did really mean it. That makes sense. Perhaps it's just a case of making sure I'm really present and notice what's going on around me and don't overlook things. I suppose it's just keeping my eyes open for opportunities, and being honest.

[susana4]

I think one of the benefits of praise, is that you can also praise behaviours that you'd like to see more of. Does that sound like manipulation as I write it? I question everything nowadays!! Susana, this is from a fellow perfectionist, who is trying to relax her standards!

Toots, I know what you mean, I don't think it is manipulative though. I'm opening my mind, I can see what you mean, in the past I would have thought it was manipulative, but if I recall correctly there's a bit in DR where MWD talks about praise and says that people think it can be manipulative but really a lot of human behaviour is manipulative...which makes sense and I agree with!

Toots, how have you gone about being less of a perfectionist? Any suggestions?

[susana4]

Susana.
You have to learn how to be less hard on yourself.

Probably true. Thanks Complex. It's about being less of a perfectionist!

I just read sth about infatuation. Which is scaringly true to my relationship. Fast marriages are mostly infatuated, and then some of them don't make the transition to true love.
I mean I loved my W from moment one. It was an infatuated picture of her, but I knew I loved her, but it took me all this pain to realize what it means to love someone, what responsibilty and work comes with it. She didn't make that transition. It's real for her, that it was infatuated.
So at this point....I feel like I have to give in, try to be her friend in the S and D process and be the best person I can be and hope she will fall in love with me again
It's hard to accept the truth and of course it doesn't excuse her behaviour, neither mine

I don't know if it necessarily has to with fast marriages but maybe the stages of a marriage?
It sounds a little bit like what my DB coach said. I don't know if you read DR (or did you read DB?) but in it there's a bit about the stage of marriage. My DB coach said we were probably entering the the second stage, and H didn't know how ot handle the transition from the honeymoon period to the 'coming down to earth' period. Which sounds about right to me. I don't know about your W, but my H had never had a very serious relationship before, not one that lasted beyond the honeymoon period/infatuation stage/whatever you want to call it. Nor had I, but I think maybe I had more of a realistic expectation of the hard work needed to put into an M and keep it going, because I have some older friends who have been married a long time.

H didn't have very good examples growing up either. Not trying to place blame here, I completely understand why he wouldn't understand how to work on an M. It' sad, but then it's something he'll have to figure out on his own. I hope he'll realise in time to reconcile but I don't know how long it will take...

I honestly believe relationships that work, are simply put relationships where both parties put in the time and effort to make them work. Obviously there are some examples where that's just not possible (abusive situations). But in most cases, it's the simple. I'm willing to put in the work, so I guess now I'll just see if, at some point in the future, H is willing to do the work.

[susana4]

A lil story . Im impulsive and inpatient. My exw is an extreme perfectionist. One hot summer day we bought 6 arbovaties that needed to be planred. It was a Sunday. I needed to get to bed and work the next day. We had spent hrs choosing trees. We knew that the trees needed to be in the groung otherwise it wouldnt get done till following weekend. I wad already irritated at the amount time we spent looking. As I was about to start digging she ran inside to get a measuring tape. She began to measure precisely where every tree would go. She had me pick them place them she would step back and see how they looked. It was getting dark. It wasnt as if she was helping with the digging. She just stood back and criticize. I lost it.

Wow, that is quite extreme! (I don't think I'm that much of a perfectionist and I'm glad for that.)

[susana4]

Anyone have any thoughts or experiences on antidepressants or anti anxiety meds? I'm debating whether to go on ADs. Doctor kept trying to push meds on me for the last 8 months or so (I experienced a huge dip in mood over the summer due to work stresses) and I kept saying no but I'm really starting to think that may have been a mistake.

I tried IC in August but couldn't keep up with it. I didn't have the motivation. At the time I thought I just didn't like it but now looking back I think I was slowly letting depression creep up and take over my life.

H claims that BD had nothing to do with the months of me being depressed but I find that hard to believe. I think it must have put a huge strain on him, especially since he was always listening to my complaints and mood swings and problems.

In a way BD was good because it forced me to go back to the doctor and back to IC. I still refused the ADs but I'm beginning to think I just need to feel better ,now. The IC isn't working fast enough...

[Sotto]

Hi Susana

Have you thought about trying St Johns Wort? I take that sometimes over the winter and find it good. I read somewhere too that 15 mins aerobic exercise a day can really help with low mood...and yoga is good too.

I also found the book 'healing without freud or prozac' useful.

Maybe have a chat with your doctor, see what they think?

[Starsky309]

They really helped me during my sitch. I had my doctor prescribe two for me -- one to be taken every day, to sort of "even out" my moods and my anxiety. The other was to be taken only if I was having an anxiety attack, of which I had had two up until that point (after not ever having ANY in 47 years!). Thankfully, I only needed those 2-3 additional times.

I did stay on the everyday ones for a year or so before getting off of them. I don't think there's any shame in it if they help you be a better DB'er, employee, parent, etc.


Starsky

[HPoirot]

Hello Susana. I started antidepressants a few weeks into my sitch and it made a huge difference. I'm sure I'd be in a lot of mental pain right now without them. When you get the right one it's like a cloud lifts from you. Good luck.

[Rick1963]

I agree AD can really help. Some help with both depression and anxities. Talk to your doctor.

[susana4]

Thanks Toots, Starsky, HP and Rick. I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow so I'm going to have a chat with her about my options. My regular doctor has actually just left the practice which is really annoying because I'd built up a really good rapport with her during this sitch, but she's handed me over to another doctor in the practice who I've met once or twice who seems OK- hoping she'll be helpful!

Right now I'm leaning towards getting a prescription for something that will help with both the anxiety and depression.
To take while carrying on with the IC.

Since the depression and anxiety have been ongoing for awhile (and I think may have been contributing factor in the breakdown of the M although H denies this), I'm just feeling at this stage that in order to make the most of my IC, the meds might help me be able to focus more.

And as Starsky said, make me a better DB-er, friend, employee etc.