Gogofo - LRT letter - planning a new beginning

[gogofo]

Thanks Barry.

I have been respecting her thoughts and feelings. The message behind wanting a D was that she needs a relief from pressure and cannot have me around. After reading Sandi's first post I understand more about how my presence would be pressuring her.

When she brought up D this time I did my best at listening and validating and trying to understand. I suggested that I live in the basement and live separated in the same house. She said it would never work, she is right. She feels that D is the only answer to needing time and space. I think she feels it is the only way to get me to stop with the pressure and get much needed stress relief in her life.

I now am giving her tons of space in the same house, I live in the basement (her latest decision, but I am good with it), and I will be moving out at the end of the month. I have not brought up any R talks or talks about us since the day after she told me she wanted a D. I do not check up on her or wait for her to come home.

I still act like a H in our situation, and that aligns with my beliefs.

I agree with about 95% of what she thinks we need. We need to work on ourselves right now. We cannot live together because we were doing better when separated. (This was a painful realization, but it is the truth. We moved back in together too fast. A lot of vets suggested not to do it as fast as we did, they were right. We moved in quicker than we should have, but it was mostly because of wanting to selling our house.) We, I mostly, need to re-develop a life outside of our M with friends, hobbies, etc.

Where I disagree is with getting the D, I am flat out against it.

The W has even made some big changes and choices in the last week or so. She has quickly decided to let go of "stuff" we have stored and moved between multiple houses. She has started to significantly downsize her wardrobe. She has decided to lighten her load at work, etc. All of these things I wanted during our R. At least she is doing them now as they should increase her quality of life and happiness.

Here is where I am with my beliefs:
Move out into my own home
Provide money for "child support" into our joint account
Give each other space to be and figure out ourselves
Not stress at fixing us NOW
Use separation to help us grow back together
Enjoy times together without expectations (from me)
DO NOT get the D
Basically live separated but still committed to each other. I don't think she would go for it.

My hope would be that we could figure this out, I would desire to do it with the help of the professional (MC).

What I will not do is bring up R talks or my opposition towards the D. Last time we talked about it she said "I compromised on everything, this is something I refuse to compromise on." She was very angry with this. I had worn out my welcome at this point in the talk and I am sure part of her anger was her feeling that she was not being heard and understood. Even though she started the R talks, there was only FIRE down that tunnel.

I do understand a lot, not all, of her feelings towards our M; but I just disagree with the final solution.

Sometimes I think I see a slight shift in her attitude towards me, but she could also be "acting" the good neighbor until I get out the door.

I am trying not to set any expectations except to be D, I plan on moving forward for me and the kids. Anything else would be a pleasant surprise.