Life 2.0 Pt 4

[NH115]

You must enjoy starting over at square one again.

Yeah, apparently I do have this square one fetish. I was doing better earlier in my sitch. I can't figure out why I've deteriorated.

Okay, well I have noticed where several of the fights seem to start with you asking her "what's wrong". My suggestion is don't ask. Seriously, don't do it, b/c when she starts talking about things, it usually triggers something and you lose it. If this pattern continues much longer, you will eventually have one too many and then end it with a blow-out where neither of you will recover. Every time you two fight like this, it is like slicing each other apart. How can you heal? You can't.

So, whenever you see her in a down mood, you can either do something that would generally lift her spirits or you can just show your PMA and don't pry. I hate to admit it, but there are a few women who show their depressed moods/attitudes in order to get the H to ask them what's wrong. It's like her way of getting his undivided attention. But with the two of you, it keeps going down that same old road hitting the same old ruts. I am not saying that is what your W is doing, b/c IDK. Did you ever try my suggestion about telling her you would listen to her talk about anything except the A/OM?

I'm usually very good about not asking her, vis a vis DB principles. we had enjoyed several days of good communication and relatively good company, so I guess I felt better about asking her. It is true that I've had a much harder time recently keeping it together. It's not even so much that she mentions OM, but last night she lit into me about ruining her life and setting her up for her "indiscretion", as she calls it. Like I said, I was able to listen constructively for about 10 minutes until about the 5th "F*** you, you ruined my life" and I just lost it. We are very good at pushing each other's buttons, as most married couples are. When I suggest not talking about OM, she accuses me of trying to shut down communication, and only wanting to talk about things that are comfortable for me...as if I'm having fun talking about all our other issues. Remember, those are all my fault too.

You have to be the stronger one, happier one, and the one who is leading her. You may get very tired of hearing this said, however, if you are not able to do this and you succumb to exploding in fury over what she tells you, then it's like two blind people trying to lead each other. You both will fall into the ditch. She's upset, you ask her about it, she tells you, and what do you do? Exactly! So stop sticking your hand in the fire.

Remember, after she saw OM at work, she had to start all over with the withdrawal process. So really, you both have started over again. Must be terribly discouraging, except that hopefully you learn something from the times before and will stop repeating the same mistakes.

I hope you won't give up. I believe you two can make. Once she can get through the withdrawal/depression, then her heart will be free to feel the love she has always had for you. In the meantime, stop scr@wing up, okay?

P.S. It was good to hear you had a great weekend. Have you planned anything for Valentines? What would be something different?

Thanks, and I know she's still in withdrawal. Even she sees it in her more calm moments. I apparently had a much better time keeping it together early on; don't know why I'm having so much difficulty now. If any posters have any suggestions about how to get my anger in check; I'm all ears. I know we're heading towards a blowout that's unrecoverable. It almost happened last night. This morning she was telling me about how I need to help foster the environment for us to reconnect emotionally; namely, by not exploding, and by not attacking OM. She told me point blank that she feels even farther from me when I do that. I understand and believe what she's telling me, but the thought that kept going through my mind this morning was "She's the one who had the A, and I'm the one having to grovel to try and win her back. WTF?" I know that's the wrong attitude to have; I'm working through it.

To top it off, we're in the middle of a health scare right now. She discovered a relatively large, tender lump on her chest last week. Not her breast, but her upper chest near her collarbone. The tests last week were inconclusive, but the doctor is fairly sure it's benign. That said, she goes for an MRI and biopsy on Friday. I had already taken a vacation day so that I could go with her, but last night she told me that she didn't want me to go because, as she put it, she saw me doing something kind and loving as "clouding her judgment" about our future. She didn't want to be vulnerable to me in any way. Geez. Even when I do positive things she sees them as wrong. Anyway, today she had changed her mind and wanted me to go. Fascinating.

As far as V-day, nothing. She hates V-day anyway, and especially now she feels like it would be "fake". I've got a couple of ideas for date night that I'm waiting to try out as soon as the weather gets a little more cooperative. In the meantime, I'm taking her for lunch on Friday. This weekend is yet another out of town trip for D15's athletics.







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