Where to go from here? Quick note: Divorced in Aug. 14 / moved out Oct. 14 / Setting boundaries So….. I have worked the 180’s since May 14. I have followed Corey Wayne’s work as of the D. My C sees the same issue that I now realize. I seem to have set boundaries that have created a silent stand –off. WAW used to come over to “pick up” S4. Create opportunities to see my place. She always had nice things to say about my home, new furniture, yard, etc. These comments where met with silence or a quick thanks. They never started a conversation. I was trying to stay out of friend zone. I occasionally would put in an email (co-parenting type) or phone call. “great to hear from you”…”good to see you” I was invited to lunch one weekend with her and S4. My S11 was with me and she thought it would be fun. She then cancelled (see last thread for details). She still calls me when she is upset and S4 is lashing out. S4 still says “I miss my family”…etc. every time I get him. I have tried to remain kind, but stand-offish. Cool, but friendly and keep a PMA. I have now a situation that 25yrsmlc talked about in another thread. OR so I think. I have “let go” to the best of my ability at this point. ***** ** ***** 25yrsmlc mentions:(in someone else’s thread) “NOW...and in the near future...
She wants a relationship with you as, at least, good co-parents. She MAY also harbor self-doubt about her choice to leave. She MAY wonder if you are changing for real, and she MAY care if you are. I don't think ANY Woman leaving a H and child(ren) could have zero 2nd thoughts. Absent abuse, every single mother is going to wonder if she's doing right by her kids, by leaving. (MORE ON THIS, LATER) I think you fear that she believes or fears the following: That if she were to come home to you, it would require way too much work on her end, and only or mostly on HER end, for her to be able to do it and maintain self-respect. = Too much shame would be heaped on her. Sort of "well life with … wasn't great anyhow, and now he'll make me pay for ever wanting out, so no thanks. WHEREAS YOU WISH she'd come to wonder or believe that
"Wow, … is a changed man. He's a really good father. He is now the way I always wanted him to be. He's now truly the man I thought he was when I married him... wow I wonder if we could make it work, this time... what if I'm willing to own my part and prove my commitment to him? What would that look like? " That^^ is what you wish for, correct? Because if it is, then we can advise you best that way.
Let us know” ***** ** *****
So here I am. She no longer comments on things. She always has a PA, unless she calls me crying. I have been told that I need to remember how I talked to her when we first met and did not know much about each other. Be human, talk to her…maybe invite her out to eat when I have S11 and S4. Let her see me, since she cannot when we are apart. Create that “feeling”. Not be friend zone myself….but what IF??
****** ** ***** 25yrsmlc went on to say…. (in someone else’s thread)
“But I really do believe that
--Deep down, a mother of kids who love their dad, who once really did love her h as well, Will look back and wonder what might have been...
I know she will....
Be ready for when she does that, b/c 10 to 1, if you keep at this, she will.
Make sense? Got this?
***** ** *****
So I am giving her all the rope (space) she needs. However, letting go, I feel that due to my aloofness and sticking to only business, I am limiting myself from opportunities that could arise. I know this process takes time. At this point she is adjusting to schedules, getting furniture, landscaping, and planning her life. Sans relationship or appearing to not deal with me on any level. Her reaching out for S4 scheduling always starts with hows it going? Has he been good? What did you do this weekend? My reply is honest and most of the time I make it sound better than it is. She has a hard time with him. It is hard, I have told her that to show empathy. I know it is difficult, and I am hurting and know she must be too…etc. I make my replies to her calls sound better, although I have told her that on many occasions S4 says he wants his family back, he wants all of us to live together again…he crys…etc. He has told S11 the same thing. I tell him I am sorry and that I love his mommy. I then tell him to make sure he talks to mommy and daddy about his feelings. Hopefully, she gets to hear this hurt too! When I have him. When I do not have him, she rarely calls, but on occasion will. When she does, I get. Hey, are you busy? Is this a good time? Do you have a minute? My reply is always PA. Yes, I have time, no I am not busy..etc.
How do I move forward and let her feel she can come to me? Non co-parent stuff? w/o being “buddies” How do I get out of this corner I am in?
Me43/WAW43..M 4y..S1 11/S2 4..Bomb2/2014..Dfile 5/2014..Settlement signed 8/20/14..D final 8/29/14 I moved out 10/10/14..WAW got D she wanted. I wanted R. No waiting,just no boundaries in her way.
