Susana (2) - Learning to detach

[susana4]

Susana.
You have to learn how to be less hard on yourself.

Probably true. Thanks Complex. It's about being less of a perfectionist!

I just read sth about infatuation. Which is scaringly true to my relationship. Fast marriages are mostly infatuated, and then some of them don't make the transition to true love.
I mean I loved my W from moment one. It was an infatuated picture of her, but I knew I loved her, but it took me all this pain to realize what it means to love someone, what responsibilty and work comes with it. She didn't make that transition. It's real for her, that it was infatuated.
So at this point....I feel like I have to give in, try to be her friend in the S and D process and be the best person I can be and hope she will fall in love with me again
It's hard to accept the truth and of course it doesn't excuse her behaviour, neither mine

I don't know if it necessarily has to with fast marriages but maybe the stages of a marriage?
It sounds a little bit like what my DB coach said. I don't know if you read DR (or did you read DB?) but in it there's a bit about the stage of marriage. My DB coach said we were probably entering the the second stage, and H didn't know how ot handle the transition from the honeymoon period to the 'coming down to earth' period. Which sounds about right to me. I don't know about your W, but my H had never had a very serious relationship before, not one that lasted beyond the honeymoon period/infatuation stage/whatever you want to call it. Nor had I, but I think maybe I had more of a realistic expectation of the hard work needed to put into an M and keep it going, because I have some older friends who have been married a long time.

H didn't have very good examples growing up either. Not trying to place blame here, I completely understand why he wouldn't understand how to work on an M. It' sad, but then it's something he'll have to figure out on his own. I hope he'll realise in time to reconcile but I don't know how long it will take...

I honestly believe relationships that work, are simply put relationships where both parties put in the time and effort to make them work. Obviously there are some examples where that's just not possible (abusive situations). But in most cases, it's the simple. I'm willing to put in the work, so I guess now I'll just see if, at some point in the future, H is willing to do the work.