Life 2.0 Pt 4

[NH115]

Wow...stay away for a few days and I get pushed about 10 pages down....

Haven't checked in for a while. We had a good weekend, but it all imploded. She's extremely angry with me for the things I did wrong in our marriage. She still justifies her actions in her mind. She's sticking to NC still with OM.

The MC said that it was OK for her to grieve OM, since that's something she has to process herself. I get that, but her grieving has definitely hit the anger stage. She's angry with him, angry with me, and even got angry at her dad (who died 20 years ago), because "that's what men do, they just abandon you."

I'm ashamed to post because I broke every DB rule in the book last night. I got insanely angry at constantly being blamed for the state of our marriage and the state of her life. I almost left last night. I cussed OM up one side and down the other. All the stupid things I know not to do and have been advised not to do, I went nuclear on. She was distant (she had been in a good mood the night before) and I asked her what was wrong. She let loose on both me and OM. I listened calmly for about 10 minutes and then it just exploded in me. And I remind myself every day to keep it under control.

We're talking now and her state of mind is far better today. Sandi, she basically laid out for me what you've been trying to get me to understand all along. I can't talk her into falling in love with me; it's not something I can control directly. I have to find ways to emotionally connect with her. Now if I could just figure that out.

Geez. It's been a s**tty week.