Susana (2) - Learning to detach

[Complex]

Happy Birthday!
Hope you had an ok day!?

[susana4]

Thanks for the bday wishes Toots and Complex!

I had a pretty good birthday, with a few ups and downs, until it ended in tears over something silly!

I kept reminding myself what you said Toots about there being a few cr@ppy bdays in life.

I had a great massage but after i left I had a lot of texts from my friends and 2 out of the 5 people coming to my birthday dinner cancelled, so I was pretty disappointed and felt let down by them.

Still had a nice dinner for the most part, and then I texted H and asked him if he wanted to meet me for a drink after my dinner (I know this was inviting him to something but this was bearing in mind someone's advice that it's OK if I invite him to join stuff, as long as I'm not attached to the outcome/whether he says yes or no). I also felt a bit justified because he gave me 2 tickets to see a comedian I love for my birthday, so he'd already sort of invited me to do something.

Anyway, H and I met for some drinks and long story short I ended up having a bit too much to drink. I got a bit flirtatious and he was looking down my top, then we went home and watched a bit of TV and cuddled. And then for some reason I thought it would be a good idea to climb up on top of the kitchen counter (like I said, had had a few too many drinks at this point), and H got angry and started shouting at me to come down, but the angrier he got the more upset I got because at that point I was scared and in the state I was in wasn't sure how I could get down without breaking a leg. I ended up bursting into tears and he picked me up off the counter, but then I got mad at him for shouting at me and we had an argument.

It was stupid, and I regretted it afterwards because it's the first argument we've had since December (stopping having arguments was one of my 180s!)

Having just read MAFMWAFV the whole argument was exactly like the book and could have been used as an example dialogue in there! He invalidated my feelings, I then criticised him (of being 'mean'), and he invalidated my feelings some more. Could have carried on in an endless circle but luckily I stepped back and saw what was happening and stopped it.

I explained to him I'd been reading a bit about how men and women communicate lately, and explained a bit, and then he apologised for invalidating my feelings, and I apologised for criticising, and we made up and then had another tickle fight.

It wasn't too bad but I do feel guilty for backsliding off my 180 of no arguing.

Now I've made it through my birthday (and Christmas and New Year's), just need to brace myself for the rest of the 'season'...there's Valentine's Day, followed by our anniversary and then his birthday... Will be glad when that's done!

[susana4]

But in the meantime there is some 'brutal reality' to engage with - that of what is happening in our R's. But you'll get there, and FWIW, I think you're doing really well. I'm sure I wasn't doing half as well as you a couple of months in.

Thank you Toots for the encouragement, it meant a lot to me! It is tough.

[susana4]

This might sound a bit odd, but does anyone have any tips on giving compliments and words of thanks/appreciation? I realised I am not very good at this and want to make it a 180 but I'm struggling a little in actually doing it, I'm just not used to it.

I always feel a bit embarrassed to receive a compliment and I get a little embarrassed giving them too.

I just gave one compliment though and it felt really good so I want to learn to do it more.

H (who works in IT) was helping me fix my phone, via text, over his lunch break and I realised how nice that was of him, so I texted:
Thank you for your help, you’re a really good friend and I really admire how you’re always willing to help your friends out, it’s one of your best qualities. Thank you for helping.

He replied: That is very nice of you to say that. Thank you I really don't mind helping you though

It felt really good (and not just because he said something nice back). I realise I rarely point out H's good qualities or give him REALLY heartfelt thanks. But I don't even really know how to start giving out more compliments...?

ETA: It's not just with H. In my job, I manage a team, and I always say good job and try to encourage them, but when it comes down to performance reviews and giving a longer form compliment (especially face to face) I just feel SO awkward and find myself mumbling or looking at the floor and I've no idea why.

[Rick1963]

Susana hopefully i wont offend you. Are you a perfectionist and are you critical of yourself and others? Many who are perfectionistl tend to give kudos followed by some form of criticism. You know there is always room for improvement. Giving compliments should come natural and from the heart. People are fallable. Try and find something good in everyone. You will surprise yourself

[susana4]

Susana hopefully i wont offend you. Are you a perfectionist and are you critical of yourself and others? Many who are perfectionistl tend to give kudos followed by some form of criticism. You know there is always room for improvement. Giving compliments should come natural and from the heart. People are fallable. Try and find something good in everyone. You will surprise yourself

Hi Rick, you haven't offended me. I am definitely a perfectionist and very hard on myself. I actually think most of the time with others I take on their mistakes as my own, e.g. If someone I manage makes a mistake I think it's my fault and self criticise my managerial style. So I don't think I normally give others kudos followed by criticism.
Howver I probably have treated H more like myself, I'm ashamed to say. Whereas with friends or colleagues I don't tend to be critical I have been with H in the past.

One of my 180s was not to say anything critical. I am happy with how I've done, I haven't criticised H since December (since I started my 180).

Now I guess I'd like to take it one step further, because I realised its not enough to just not be critical, I would like to be encouraging.

[jim0987]

Susana, I know what you mean. Starting to be more openly appreciative and complimentary was/is a bit weird for me. Sometimes it just feels/felt a bit false. The more I do it the easier it gets

for what its worth i think the example you gave was good - probably because you really meant it

so the only tip i really have is keep doing it and be honest, over time it will become more natural.

[Sotto]

I think one of the benefits of praise, is that you can also praise behaviours that you'd like to see more of. Does that sound like manipulation as I write it? I question everything nowadays!! Susana, this is from a fellow perfectionist, who is trying to relax her standards!

[Complex]

Susana.
You have to learn how to be less hard on yourself.

I just read sth about infatuation. Which is scaringly true to my relationship. Fast marriages are mostly infatuated, and then some of them don't make the transition to true love.
I mean I loved my W from moment one. It was an infatuated picture of her, but I knew I loved her, but it took me all this pain to realize what it means to love someone, what responsibilty and work comes with it. She didn't make that transition. It's real for her, that it was infatuated.
So at this point....I feel like I have to give in, try to be her friend in the S and D process and be the best person I can be and hope she will fall in love with me again
It's hard to accept the truth and of course it doesn't excuse her behaviour, neither mine

[Rick1963]

A lil story . Im impulsive and inpatient. My exw is an extreme perfectionist. One hot summer day we bought 6 arbovaties that needed to be planred. It was a Sunday. I needed to get to bed and work the next day. We had spent hrs choosing trees. We knew that the trees needed to be in the groung otherwise it wouldnt get done till following weekend. I wad already irritated at the amount time we spent looking. As I was about to start digging she ran inside to get a measuring tape. She began to measure precisely where every tree would go. She had me pick them place them she would step back and see how they looked. It was getting dark. It wasnt as if she was helping with the digging. She just stood back and criticize. I lost it.