Gogofo - LRT letter - planning a new beginning

[Wonka]

GoFo,

I am going back to the letter you wrote and pick out the negatives. This way, you'll see them clearly and think about HOW you want to do things differently.

Negatives

-Stubborn
-Opinionated
-"Never" compromising
-Selfish
-Not considerate of W's needs
-"Controlled" W's schedule
-Less socialization
-"Controlling"
-Starting and "never" finishing projects
-Controlling money
-Taking more and more of the relationship
-Never giving
-Not valuing W's opinion
-Ideas and opinions superior to W
-Did not communicate with W
-Did not listen to W
-Actions made W "feel" worthless and unlovable

GoFo, are any of them true and were they some of the comments W made to you over the time?

If you answered yes, then I would take a hard look at them and figure out a way to make the necessary changes. FOR YOU. Not for W. For yourself because, after all, you'll live with YOURSELF for the rest of your life.

Perhaps you might want to do some small changes from the above list and then the rest will fall in place. Make sense?

What would you like to do in order to become a better man and better father?

[gogofo]

Don't try to grab a mile from an inch. That'll piss W off...as she did recently. How about a smile and say, "I had fun! Thanks for this" and then be the first to leave.

Can you do this??

Yes I can. This has been my focus as of the last two weeks. Thanks for the suggested phrase, it helps me with what to do and puts me in a better mind set.

We have been enjoying time we spend together recently. Since I have been served D papers and think that W will go through with it this time, it has changed the dynamic of our R. Now we just talk without any pressure of the MR or piecing. We talk freely and enjoy each other.

GoFo, are any of them true and were they some of the comments W made to you over the time?

If you answered yes, then I would take a hard look at them and figure out a way to make the necessary changes. FOR YOU. Not for W. For yourself because, after all, you'll live with YOURSELF for the rest of your life.

Perhaps you might want to do some small changes from the above list and then the rest will fall in place. Make sense?

What would you like to do in order to become a better man and better father?

The list you pulled was spot on with a list I made and went through with my DB Coach. I have made changes for quite a number of these negatives, and I keep trying to make changes on some of the others.

She has said at different times that the changes in me seem unusual and surprising and hard to get used to at times because they are a 180 from how I was.

There is always room to work on myself more. I have taken a hard look at myself, on different occasions, and probably am due for some more introspection now that my life is going to change again with me moving out of the W's current house and me buying my own, and the D talks she has been having with me.

Thanks for the help Wonka

[gogofo]

Yesterday was different.

When I got home from work the W and I decided to move bedroom furniture between two different bedrooms and get ready to move the furniture she is going to keep from the house we are selling.

We worked together and she went through her stuff. I moved all the big stuff. It was quite emotional for me, but she never saw it.

It just feels weird, unless I am just a spineless door mat, but it is weird to help her move things around for her. I am doing it because I care about her and truly want to help, I just haven't had confusing emotions like this in a while.

It feels like I am helping her move closer to D, but doing it with pleasure. I know I am doing it to keep any possible roads back smooth and clear, but it messes with my emotions at times.

After moving furniture she made us margaritas and we watched Dr. Who. We talked a little and were nice and relaxed after the drink. I even paused the show when we talked in order to give her my full undivided attention. When it was done I hopped up and said thank you this was nice, and went downstairs to my new bedroom situation.

So thanks wonka and Sandi, I just enjoyed the moment and didn't grab for more or wait and linger around her. She hurt her foot and so when she grabbed a blanket I got up, pulled her shoes off and covered her feet the way she likes. The look I got in return was one of surprise and thanks, maybe even made a love bank deposit.

Today I am going to make a counter offer on the house I am looking to buy. Hope they accept.

On another (maybe) positive note, the W has not mentioned the D papers since Monday when she thought I was trying to manipulate her.

Today's goals are to move furniture from old house and keep up my attitude of just enjoying what is going on and not asking for more.

I think I can do this, I just need to drop the expectation that it might stall or stop the D.

[gogofo]

Today we spent the day moving the furniture that will be the W's from our house we just sold. My back is hurting.

Emotionally it was a little up and down for me. We were going through a bunch of stuff then I would see a love letter or pictures of us, etc. and it would just bring up a well of emotion. Tough to deal with but I held it together.

My offer on the new house was accepted. Don't know how I feel completely about it. I will be happier soon but right now it makes me teary. When I get the text message about the acceptance I told the W "I guess I just bought a house." She seemed to be a little shocked and possibly upset. She took a moment before she replied "congratulations", but it didn't sound genuine.

I guess my action to buy a home so quickly may be surprising to her, but only she knows.

W is going to a cocktail party with some work friends and will be staying the night with her friend that got divorced a couple of months ago. I like her and she is a great friend to my W but I don't know how much influence she has on her or not.

When I went to bed last night I was thinking about sitting with the W on the couch and talking. I know I am reaching for scraps or grasping at anything but it just seemed like something more than a person would do with someone of the opposite sex if they were only just friends. I felt it was more intimate than watching with a friend, but those are my feelings not hers.

I just need to keep enjoying whatever times I have with her but don't read into it too much or create expectations. I do have hopes or dreams about what could happen with us, but I need to keep my dreams from turning into expectations.

Now to have a fun night with me and my boys. Smoothies, Legos, movies, can't go wrong there! Probably even bacon for breakfast.

[gogofo]

Had a good evening with my boys last night. Went out to eat, talked with my parents about me getting a new house, had smoothies and then watched a movie together and cuddled on the couch. Being a dad is great.

Got up today and did a quick grocery run while the W was still at her friend's house after last night's cocktail party. While at the grocery store she called and asked what I was up to. She was getting a coffee and I asked if she needed anything, so I brought us some lunch home.

I spent the afternoon at the house with the W hanging pictures up for her; stuff we had decorated out old house with. Light and friendly interactions. We both were wore out from moving and having late nights all week.

The W then took the kids and went to her parents house to stay the night and watch the football game, they live about 45 minutes away. I went over to a friend's house and watched the game.

When around the house I wasn't following her around. I wasn't vying for her attention. When she left I game the kids hugs and kisses. The W was in the other room and I just said "have fun and drive safe" while I had my head turned in the corner hanging a last picture.

I still am feeling good about my not trying to grab and inch from a mile. Still trying to work on not having expectations, but I did not expect anything in return for hanging the pictures. To me it is something that the person I want to be would do and it is who I am.

So I have noticed something kind of odd about my W lately. She has not seemed to be interested in groceries or food or dinners. This is pretty unusual as she usually has some sort of dinners or food planned for the week. Don't know if this is coincidental with the start of her work picking up or because she said she is done; but it is different.

When I was hanging pictures for her today I noticed some different looks from her. I get the impression that she is expecting me to start to treat her different or be angry or hateful towards her, etc. That is just not me, or a person I would like to be. I don't like operating out of anger, especially to ones I care about.

I was thinking about the fact that I am still treating her like she is my W with my actions towards us and the family (helping out around the house, shopping for groceries, etc). At time when I am upset by the situation I think "am I being a doormat?" or "she has to be cake eating" but this simply isn't true. She is not controlling my actions or feelings, it is all what I am doing.

So do I like what I am doing with my actions towards her? Yes I do. After thinking about the whole thing I decided that I am going to go out being who I am and trying to be the best at who I am. I am going to go out with dignity and respect, this is what I feel a man who loves and cares about someone would do.

Her feelings cannot control my feelings. I am still in love with her, but I will take myself and move on. I have my own house that I will move into in a month. If she feels that a D is her only option, I respect her enough to let her go. I will be sad, but I will be moving on (and hopefully not looking over my shoulder).

I feel this is a good strong attitude to have. I welcome any and all opinions about this.

[gogofo]

After work today W asked me to bring home dinner so we could get to unloading the furniture and not have to clean the kitchen.

After dinner we had some good team work and unloaded everything we had loaded up. Had a little family time with our boys and then put them to bed.

We sat down in front of the tv and had a beer. W said she was hungry so I cried up a little snack for us and she opened bottle of wine. We then chatted about random things and she started to share a little about her night yesterday. Things were nice and relaxed and friendly.

Then it hit me, now was the time to get up and leave the room. So I got up, told her thanks for the wine, tonight was enjoyable, and left for the basement. This is pretty big for me and I am happy I did it. I really wanted to stick around and share the room with her, but since things were going well I figured I would leave and maybe she would be left wanting more. I know I was, but I didn't want to over extend my welcome or start to over reach again. It took a little bit of guts for me to do it, but I am proud of myself.

I have been thinking about this attitude I have been feeling recently. I pretty much have been feeling that I will be spending my last days together in the same house with her treating her the way I would always want to treat her. I have not been expecting anything back from her other than hoping she notices the man that I am. If, when I leave or before, she chooses to finalize the D than that is her choice but it will also mean she wil be losing someone who truly cares about deeper than most anyone could. I am not actively looking for or seeking a reaction from her.

I think this is me getting closer to dropping the rope. Am I right? I don't really expect her to change her mind. I don't expect anything from her in return. It would be nice if she did, but I cannot base my actions on her possible reactions. My actions are for me and what I think I would normally do as the person I want to be.

Why should I treat her differently than I normally would? Just because she said she wants a D doesn't mean I need to change me or my actions if they are true to who I want to be. I am not going to change to justify her feelings that I don't share.

[gogofo]

Woke up in the middle of the night last night and started to think about what is going to happen next and that I need to have a plan for it.

I fully expect to be handed the final D papers with all of the ins and outs of the settlement before I close on my house on Feb. 27th. The way the process works is I got served and now it is presented as a complaint. If we work out the particulars of the D settlement on our own then it is uncontested and neither of us is required to have a L.

If I contest it then she has to attain a L and so do I. I will not contest it because what she has stated she wanted previously is better than I would get by going through a contested D where a judge makes decisions. If that were the case she would get half of my investment in my company and I would get half of her student loan debt.

The particulars of our D are supposed to be worked out within 20 days of my being served, somewhere around the 17th of Feb. The L handling it said he would not bug us unless my W called him to get me on board.

She has not talked about the D for the last 7 days. I am not going to ask her about it either.

What I need to figure out is what I will do when the papers come, if we are still living together. Right now I am in the basement until I get into my new place.

I don't plan on treating her any different. I am not total LRT, but I am actively working on dropping all expectations and all pursuit.

I think I may have witnessed a ever so slight shift in her attitude towards me since the pressure is off, but I don't expect it to exact a change of heart in her.

Let me bullet point this:

My actions now - Friendly house mate, happy, upbeat, thank her for sharing time with me, express enjoyment, not pursuit and NC during the day when we are apart except for kid stuff. Enjoy the moments but don't grasp for more.

My actions after D papers - Continue with the same. I plan on leaving the house acting like the man I working to be.

Reaction to D talk - When she brings it up I think I will state my opinion and simply say "I do not believe this is the answer to our problems, but I respect you and will not stand in your way if it is what you want. What would you like to talk about regarding the D?"

Is stating my opinion here a bad idea? I think she is painting a picture in her mind, and maybe to others, that this is a mutual decision; even though I told her (twice) two weeks ago that I don't believe in it.

I would like some feedback on my ramblings. The 2x4s I received lately have been very helpful. I do better with my emotions and actions trying to visualize what could happen because I get emotionally flooded easily.

Thanks again to everyone on this forum, I learn something new every time I get online.

[Barrybran]

I think there are times to state that you don't believe divorce is the answer but once you've stated it, she knows how you feel and it comes back down to living through actions instead of words. If you don't believe divorce is the answer, live your life according to that belief rather than telling her about it.

[Sotto]

Yes, I agree with Barry - you've said this isn't your choice. You don't need to tell her that again. She may well be presenting it to others as a 'mutual' decision - it makes her 'look' better probably (in her view) if she does that....not much you can do about that though.

The rest of your plan sounds good though...

[gogofo]

If you don't believe divorce is the answer, live your life according to that belief rather than telling her about it.

Any suggestions on how to do this, besides wearing a shirt that says "divorce is wrong"... HA!

In my mind continuing to live like a loving husband in the home while we share it is one way to do it. Don't know if this is correct or not though.