Jim0987 #11 - Mk8's user manual needs some work

[jim0987]

So I’ve touched on this a little bit during the day and said I would post a bit more later so here it is. This is just some thoughts that have been rattling around in my head for a couple of days, maybe a bit longer and to be honest it kind of started in discussion with edz about the ‘thing’. I hope they make sense

So this kicked off from a question was basically:

What if you knew your wife was 100%, never coming back done, what would you do differently?

So for me there are two key parts to this question, how would I know and what would change.

Well the first part stuck with me a bit because if we trust their actions and even to an extent what they say then everything says my wife is 100% done (moved out, signed separation agreements, barely speaks to me, changed her name, dating OM, told all her friends and family I’ve bullied and emotionally abused her etc. etc.). In 5 months all I’ve seen from her is more distance and more resentment and so if she’s not 100% done then she’s been headed that way.

Plus I’ve made a whole bunch of DB mistakes in the last 4 months some of which will make reconciliation harder. Putting my wife and me aside it’s difficult to see how either of our families would accept the other back in which would also make things really difficult. So there are some very big barriers with the most important being she doesn’t want to.

Whether she is 100% done or not (And the only thing that says she isn’t is my hope) does that really make a difference to today or tomorrow or next week?

I found this quote earlier which resonated

If you think you had no choice when it came to divorcing, ask yourself the following question

“Do you really want to be involved in a relationship with someone who does not appreciate you and puts you down?”

The sooner you accept your separation, the sooner you’ll stop suffering. Some people believe wrongly that if they suffer enough, their ex will come back (and save them)! That is a painful fantasy to live with. Even if your ex came back, that would not be the foundation of a healthy relationship.

Now in answer to that question – No I don’t want a relationship with someone who can shut me out, cheat on me, Lie to me (and for a long time), say such horrible and unpleasant things about me, portray me in the way she has, be so disrespectful, show such disregard for my kids wellbeing, be so selfish and unreasonable, be so deluded about finances, make no real effort to work on our marriage and most importantly doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me.
So as she was, yes I love her and want to be with her and would have gladly loved and cared for her until my dying breath – I believed she felt like that about me. As she is now well I would just be subjecting myself to a lifetime of misery and no one deserves that.

Just as a moment of balance - I do know I did plenty wrong but I’ve been doing what I can to learn and grow

So back to the second part of the original question – what would I do differently?

The more I think about it, the answer right now is not that much other than start dating. Outside of the relationship side of it I’m doing alright with my life. I want to achieve more but that’s about getting my work mojo back and things are turning around on that front. What I need to do more than anything else is move on and get my wife and my situation out of my head.

So my thoughts then questioned, if my wife doesn’t want me and I don’t want her as she is now and I can’t control her or change her into the person she used to be or a new improved version of her old self then what am I holding on to? I’m holding on to a fantasy, an illusion that only exists in my head.

I’m not letting it go because I’m afraid of a bunch of stuff

I’m afraid that I will not find someone as good as my wife
I’m afraid no one will want me
I’m afraid I will be seen as a failure
I’m afraid that I will have given up on my marriage to soon
I’m afraid of the impact this will have on my relationship with my kids
I’m afraid of the impact this will have on my kids
I’m afraid of the impact of blended families
I’m afraid that I haven’t grown enough
I’m afraid of the whole dating thing because it’s new and unfamiliar

And probably a bunch more besides

I’m also afraid of being that guy who sits crying on the driveway of his XWs house while she enjoys her new life and new man or the guy who is so filled with resentment that his life is miserable.

To put it in economic terms I’m so focused on the sunk cost that I risk ignore the opportunity cost and so I continue to throw good money after bad.

So what?

Well this all heads to the conclusion that I need to move on and sometimes the best way to move on is to actually move on rather acting ‘as if’

And this is where it links to what Ganb8te said ‘I want someone to share life’s adventures with’

I want that too. I don’t need that and I’ll be fine on my own but that connection is something I want in my life and something I haven’t truthfully had for a long while now (since way before BD) and realistically there are only two options there
1) DB like mad and hope my wife wants to reconcile
2) DB like mad and look for the connection elsewhere (dating)

Now personally I feel going solely with 1 you exclude 2, but I’m not sure I agree 2 excludes 1. It adds a hurdle but relatively small in comparison to the other issues reconciliation would have to overcome. OK maybe not keeping things paved and smooth but also not closing the door because saying that makes some big assumptions about how successful dating would be.

But when I really think about it, again I find the same fears that stop me letting go, then the added fears of What if I face more rejection? What will my wife think? What if it pushes my wife away further? Is it really any better than her adultery? And (here’s the kicker) what if I meet someone new and truly move on?

There is also a big part that knows at this point I would drop anyone else like a stone if my wife said she wanted me back and I’m not sure I want to be that guy, but again we aren’t talking about jumping straight into marriage and I would definitely take things very slow.

So I’m not saying that I going to start dating or even that I want to right now. I’m just reflecting that I may never feel ‘ready’ to date but it might be something that I decide to do as part of accepting my reality. Sometimes you do the actions and the feelings follow.

And moving on is not the same as giving up, it also doesn’t mean we can’t move back.

I’m not going to do anything different right now – just sharing the thoughts rattling around up there.