Hey guys. Loooooooonnnggg day. I didn't sleep one minute last night. I was like a zombie today, because I just cant seem to grasp what has happend- yet again.
I feel like my sitch is the THE NEVER ENDING STORY... and I just want to get out!
I am not going to go do d13's game tonight. It's a bit of drive, through the crazy amounts of snow, and I am so tired, it won't be good.
This morning, I texted xh. I was so out of it. I just said that I cant believe that I allowed him to do this to me again and some things along those lines. He actually read my text right away this time (unlike ignoring for hours on end like the other day). No response, as expected.
I told him this morning on the phone not to step foot into my house. I actually told him a while back that if he got back with hww that I could no longer be in his life. That the (ahem) damage they two of them cause together would be too much. That I would choose to have nothing to do with him. And told him that it is easier and reminded him that I had done it before. I really mean this. It has caused so much damage to me and my family that I just want nothing to do with it.
And during a conversation we were talking about communication. I admitted that I preferred not to hear from him at all. That I didn't like it and wanted to be left alone. He was so surprised by this. I am finding that in a weird way, he actually like the drama- even though he can't stand it and can't handle it. But... I can't explain it. I also said this morning that I can't deal with the high school drama in his life (a reason why I told him to stay out of my house).
He picks up s17 in the mornings now, (probably why he even bothered go to bil this morning) and always comes in and gets coffee. I asked s17 if he came in today. S17 said no, he waited in the truck. So, at least he knows I'm not messing around.
In a way, I wonder if he wanted it to go down. Since he doesn't have the b@lls to say anything- and has no idea what the heck he is doing. It is easier if I just see him doing it and get upset, then he can just go back to her much easier than actually having a discussion with me.
OMG, so I just got a text from him. (He has a cold sore (got it on Friday, which is why I was surprised he spend the night with hww on Saturday- probably got it from her). He gets so freaked out by them. Usually would take off time from work bc he gets so embarrassed by them.) Now, he has not missed work- can't new position, I presume.
But he just texted me that he isn't going to d13's game tonight with the cold sore. Why did he feel compelled to tell me? Whatever. I'm not going to respond to that. Or any nonsense. I feel myself, in this aspect, working on memory. Auto-pilot, for sure. I can so easily cut that crap out. That part is down like military training.
But daring is right, I do want to shake him. Like, seriously!
I think here is a big part of why I'm upset:
First, his proclamation of love for me and desire to repair our relationship and family.
I had to wait bc she was pregnant.
Then I had to wait for paternity.
Then I had to wait for him to bond with the baby.
Then I had to wait bc he was focusing on all the kids and not a r.
I have been waiting. All the while... she hasn't and it has been bout that sitch over there. And, while its not about the r- they are restarting a r.
OK, then.
And, I am damaged... yet this has been determined all while I have waited for all of the above and dealing with and processing everything that was happening, what had happened, and all from a different perspective- like starting from scratch.
