Help - Almost Walk away wife who seems stuck

[sandi2]

Thanks for answering all those questions. I really was trying to just give you some areas to think about your behavior in the past, since you said you wanted us to help you with it. It sounds as if you are working hard to improve. Now the trick will be to stick with it.

I see a lot of control issues. I refer back to this statement, as an example.

If she wants to do something I am generally 'fine' with it

When I asked if that meant when she was talking about herself or both of you, you said usually it was about something she would do by herself. So, generally you are "fine" with it. Does she check with you, first? Sometimes a W may say to her H, "Is it okay with you if I (fill in the blank) ___________?" Which doesn't mean she is asking for permission, but it is a nice way to tell you what what she is going to do....and if there are some conflicting issues, then you can tell her. Perhaps you have acted as though she has to ask your permission or see how you feel about it?

Quote:
Would you say you treat her as an equal partner, or more like a parent-child relationship? Do you think you are smarter than she is? Do you expect her to give an account of most everything she does, bills, money spent for shopping, etc. Does she have to ask you for money to spend?

So this is a difficult one, because I'm sure (based on what I said earlier it is probably easy to see) that I did act that way earlier. I controlled the family finances, and was constantly riding her because she was not very good at managing the bills and controlling spending, which made me particuarly annoyed since i was the person earning the money. She would complain that we should be approaching this as a team, and I would shoot back that it is not much of a team if I was the only one doing the earning. Not helpful, I know. Since the blow up, however, I have tried to really ease up on this, and try to be collaborative on money issues. I still control the account and would rather share it, but that's a hard thing to do when she's threatening to walk out on me!

Whoa! I would have probably walked out right then & there! Maybe you should try changing positions sometime as see how that works for ya.

You have to do more than ease up. Do you get that? The only reason you have let up is b/c of the blowup and her threatening to walk out. You must conquer this control problem. Find some way that works for both of you regarding the spending, but "riding her" is not the way. There is a difference in leading and control. She is an adult and whether you feel she's an equal partner or not.....she most certainly is.

I can understand how, in some cases, the man has to control the account......if his W has no sense of money management. However, it is your attitude that matters to her the most. If she has to ask you for every dime she spends, it makes her feel like a child asking her daddy. I bet if she asks for XX amount of $, the first words out of your mouth is, "For what?" Do you have any idea how demeaning that can make a person feel?

Maybe it was how your own father ran his home, IDK, but if you don't want to end up in divorce court, you need to loosen the reigns a lot more.

These answers you gave sound really good, however, she is not going to buy it hook, line and sinker. She is just waiting to when you backslide. She believes it's all a ploy to win her back. You know what that means for you, right? You can never go back to your old ways.