I thought everything was okay....(Part 4)

[Georgia Bulldogs]

I know I have an 'out' from what the Book says; but how I see it there's also a lot in there about unconditional love, and well....that 'out' would be a condition to love. I've never thought too much about that Psalm (I think) about Love and all of the attributes. Patient, kind, obedient, rejoices in the truth... Look at those and you have DB almost to a tee.

Actually, the phrase "unconditional love" does not appear even once in the bible. Both "eternal life" and "salvation" are conditional ~~~ "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life" (John 3:16) also ""If you confess with your mouth, 'Jesus is Lord,' and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved" (Romans 10:9).

Loving "unconditionally" isn't practical nor healthy in marriage. Why should either of you be kind or do anything for one another if the other has to love you unconditionally regardless. If you end up divorced, do you intend to keep loving her unconditionally and supporting her financially and emotionally?? Probably not.

I understand what you are thinking and I went there a bit too long ago even going so far as to pray for OM. But I'm more fond of your Corinthians sentence where you say love is .....obedient and rejoices in the truth. Ultimately your love for your wife is conditional on her obedience to God and her vows to you. Also, your love will eventually rejoice in the truth. She might not like much "truth" but when you fight for your wife and prevail she'll remember that you stood for truth and didn't enable her lies.

As far as my W and the Pastor, I'm not sure what he is going to do. Like I said, I was worried for a while that he would approach her. She spent the first couple months after BD shutting out so many people in her life, but she was still going to church and I didn't want to do anything to jeopardize that. Since I detached, I realized that as long as I'm true to myself and to Him, that I can't be worried about how she's going to react to things I do that are right and good. That's one more piece of control that I'm letting go.

He didn't know actually what was really going on before yesterday other than she left suddenly, I didn't know why and we were still separated. He did say that last time he saw her, he said to her that everyone loves her and they are there for her. He also said someone from the Church was going to try to reach out to talk with her.

They should be doing more than "having a talk with her". They should be privately confronting her and telling her to stop. To end her affair immediately and commit to rebuilding her marriage and that if she won't they will need to take this to a larger group of friends and spiritual leaders who will further and again repeat the request that she end her affair and recommit to her marriage. If she refuses again, the entire congregation should be made aware. Most likely your wife will stop going to church before that happens which is better than everyone just "loving her" while she's covered in sin. Recall - true love rejoices in truth.

Lastly, have you seen the movie 'Fireproof?' If not, its pretty good. Not the best DBing (or acting) in there sometimes, but there's one thing that I thought when I read your post. The guy is trying to convince his W of his love for her and the harder he pushes the more she pushes away and he wants to 'give up' on her.

They make the connection that in life, even when we know that we have the right path in front of us, we often push away. However, Jesus doesn't give up on us nor 'force' us to believe in his salvation. We have to make the conscious choice to follow Him. Pastor's have the same struggle. I know he's looking out for her and knows the right path, but he needs to be delicate that she doesn't push herself farther away.

I've seen the movie with my wife well into recovery. Be careful undertaking any such thing while your wife is married UNLESS you can completely detach from having an expectations. Until your wife is in "no contact' with OM and the affair is over...there is NO PROGRESS to be made. You'll have good days and bad days with her but it's not progress until she kicks OM to the curb (or he kicks her to curb which happens more often than the other way). These type movies imply a formula for turning your spouse around by unilaterally taking these specific actions. It may help you in recovery but NOT while she's getting her needs met by another man and it'll just lead to more despair and loss of love in your heart.