How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave

[HPoirot]

Hello Everyone. Thank you for all the replies and the words of support. This was a wonderful and very valuable conversation about fear here. I am again very humbled that such great information and guidance ends up here.

I'm just journaling right now b/c S12 is screaming on the phone with his mom. He's in his room with the door closed. I'm not listening. I'm not intervening. IC said to let him scream at his mom if he needs to.

W called him tonight and he asked if he would be staying with her tomorrow night. She must have told him he would stay with her for the next 2 nights. (On the calendar she had scheduled only one night. It changed to 2 after I hammered her about being away 2 weekends in a row.)

I was in the living room with him at the time so I heard what he was saying. He said he had a lot of homework and he's been tired and needs to get good sleep. He said he wanted to see her, but didn't know if he could get sleep at the aunt's house. He asked if there was another bed... if he had to sleep with her in the same bed again.

Then I left the room. He then went into his room, still talking to his mom, and closed the door. I thought that was good.

He came out later and was off his phone. He said he was tired and was going to bed. I went in and asked if he was OK. He says he's tired. I kiss him and say my usual happy dreams speech. I've said the same thing to him every night for many years.

When I close his door... I get a text from W. Something like... "S12 is upset. He doesn't want to spend the night with me. He said you were upset about my trip and that I wouldn't be with him next weekend. I wish you hadn't told him. He thinks I'm a bad mom. My heart is broken."

Then I hear S12 yelling in his room. I go in and I see he's on the phone. I leave and close the door.

I get another text from W. I only glance at it. Something about I'm entitled to my feelings but I shouldn't share them with S12. Something bout how she only says good things about me to S12.

Pointless to tell her me and S12 say a prayer for her every night. Pointless to say I tell S12 everyday his mom loves him and I love and miss her even if I'm upset about her choices. Pointless to remind her I told her over the weekend that S12 misses her and she should be here like we expected her to be and that S12 would be disappointed. Her reply... "S12 won't be disappointed. I'll talk to him."

After a bit, S12 calls me and says he's off the phone if I want to talk with him. I go in. He says he called him mom b/c he had something to say. That he was angry with his mom.

He said, "She failed my expectations."

I asked, "What expectations?"

"As my mom."

He didn't want to talk about what he told her. He said this is hers to fix but she's not fixing it.

I kissed him. Told him he'll get to see his mom tomorrow. That's great right? He says yes. I tell him to come get me if he needs anything. I leave him to sleep.

...

I am sick of this. She has seen him maybe 30 minutes in the past week. Blames me for her not having a good place to keep him b/c I made her homeless and took her car. Blames me for all our hardships b/c I found her secret A. This transition would have been easier if I gave her the benefit of the doubt (instead of snooping) she actually said to me during our last R talk. Asks me why I don't believe her when she flies across the country to a "work" party instead of being here with her son. Feels upset that I told him she wouldn't be here after she promised him and me she would be here for him on weekends.

And she feels justified about all of it. It's pointless to argue with her or point any of the above out to her. Now she's upset her supermom job over the next 2 nights (originally 1 night) is now harder.

How do I validate any of this? "I understand W. This is a difficult time for all of us."

No. I'm just ignoring her texts tonight.

Today was almost a completely no contact day. I think I've had one so far in the last 6 weeks. I didn't make it today.

I'm sure if she was typing her perspective of what just happened, it would make perfect sense and I would clearly be a bad guy. How else could she say what she says unless she really thinks I'm out to ruin her life.

Just yesterday she asks me to please please help her by not giving her a hard time about her trip next weekend... or anything else. But, b/c I don't deliver her son to her smiling and happy... I make her sweat and cry about her choices... I'm the bad guy. If only I didn't discover she's right now being an adulteress and a liar she says.

I'm not angry. Not really even irritated. Which is great... a few weeks ago I would've been shaking with fury after a night like this.

I'm even smiling a little. I understand what's going on. S12 is going to be OK. He has a right to his anger. He sees what's going on. He said is was very happy and comfortable here with me just now. We have a good time and laugh and wrestle. When he's sad... I talk with him. I'm doing great with him. That's whats important.

Tomorrow she'll be by to pick up S12. I'll be cordial and businesslike. No problem.

PS... I think S12 knows what his mom is doing. When he was talking about her fixing things, he slipped and said "She che..." Then he said "She lied." I didn't ask him about it.