I think I'm done

[mustardseed]

So, I have been better. Less emotional. And there has been peace in the home. He told me he wants 50/50 custody. I am afraid to have any of those conversations with him because I don't trust him and I don't understand the process at all. I still feel like it is all so unfair.

He wants the D, yet he expects me to give up my home (we rent through his employer), my marriage, and 50% of my time with my kids (and he probably has plans for the dog as well). Why do I have to agree to this? If he wants out of the marriage then fine, he should leave. But why does he think that just because he says he's done, I should be the one to do all of the sacrificing?

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm stressed out about work and feel like I barely have time to do anything other than dealing with work and trying to be as available as possible with my kids. I don't want to move, yet. I will have a really long commute and with the winter I don't feel comfortable with that. I'll be staying at my parents in a tiny bedroom that I will share with my daughter--sleeping in a bunk bed. So I will be leaving all of my stuff behind as well, because there is no room. Why is this fair? Why does he get to decide this marriage is over and I am the one who has to give up everything?

Until there is a legal document telling me otherwise, then I plan on living wherever my children are living. Am I supposed to file first? If I wait for him to file will I get screwed? Do I have to have these conversations with him at all? i already retained my lawyer and once I get the information she needs she can write up a separation agreement, but every time I sit down to fill out the paper work I panic. Why do I have to do this thing that I don't want to do? I know that sticking around is just making him hate me more. But why do I have to be the one to leave?

He has been telling mutual friends about what is going on. And it just hit me that any friends that we made in the past 12 years are all tied to his job. And they are people who are involved with our children, either by being parents of their friends or teachers or both--most of them are both--not to mention neighbors. So I can't just separate myself from that life so easily. Who knows what he is telling them--while I am acting as if everything is fine.

The whole situation is so unhealthy, and leaving really does seem to make the most sense, except that I am the one that is giving up almost everything that my life has been for the past 12 years. Maybe that isn't such a bad thing--but it makes me so angry. He doesn't have my best interest at heart anymore, and cut me off, yet my life is still being guided by his choices.

This is why I am so mixed. I want to believe our love was real and this is just a bump in the road. I want to believe that I wasn't completely mislead by him and that I wasn't wrong in trusting him. But I also want to get to a point where my life is my own and not an accessory to his. I am starting to feel that way because I am not doing what he wants me to. I am still home, but I am doing my own thing. But at the same time I think separating will be the healthiest thing for me--except that it is once again me doing what he wants me to do to make his life easier. I really don't know what is best anymore. Do I stay or do I go? Do I file or do I wait for him? One thing I know is that I will not go until we have a legal agreement.