Old dog seeks new trick 8

[Vanilla]

Thanks V - sounds like Ceroc might be easier than Salsa then? I'll maybe have a look at a beginners event for that then...February GAL plan.

OD all of the venues start with an hours beginners session and then a breakout for beginners with experienced dancers called taxis. If you are anywhere near London the Ceroc London crew run a regular beginners class at Baden Powell house. It is usual at ridiculous cost of £5. Trust me you will get hooked!

Takes about 6 weeks and the great thing is that in learning to dance, the guy gets to lead!

Go find your mojo!


V

[Old Dog]

I think what you need is to show WAW that you are fine with her decision to end the marriage and that you are moving on.

Yes. I’ve tried waiting patiently, but every know and then when she makes some other devisive move, I haven’t been able to just STFU and we have ‘the discussion’ again where she repeats her blinkered mantras, I backslide and feel devastated and abandoned again. At least it’s getting shorter each time.

Maybe I am totally off base but I think she is taking advantage of your kind and calm nature. She knows no matter what she does you will not rock the boat. You will still be there financially and physically. She doesn't have to worry about the kids being upset. She knows you are reliable.

No, you are bang on there Lisa.

She will not wake up and realize she made a mistake unless she feels she lost you or is in severe danger of losing you. If you want your wife back, you have to change the situation.

Yes, I think I have finally come to realise I need to change it up because this isn’t working. Slowly but surely she is withdrawing further away and now even has an OM. I don’t know where she stayed on Friday night, I think it may have been in the city where the play was, and I don’t know if he was there, all I know is she didn’t come home. That is so gutting but I didn’t mention it or react at all on Sunday when I got back from staying with my mum. You would have been proud considering what a basket case I was the day before.

Having said that, I suppose there is a chance that you could just wait out this phase she is in. Let her see the grass is not greener on her own and maybe she will finally realize that you are amazing and fall back into your arms. That's not happening so far though.

My plan was always to get a job where I can live at home and try and reintegrate myself back in the family, but so far I haven’t been able to do that. I’ve come close a couple of times, but not yet. I did speak to a couple of people last Friday who are looking for people though and one of them definitely sounds promising.

I always felt I couldn’t practice DBing properly when so far away during the week and precious little quality time at the weekends either.

I think she doesn't respect you or see you as an independent man. She sees you as the old reliable.

Moving out and telling her you are done would change the dynamic, but perhaps it is not right for your situation, and not true to yourself. But what can you do to show her you are no longer her doormat?

I would like to move out and very nearly did so on Saturday before she came back. The thing that stops me is plan A, mentioned above and the boys. I have engaged with them so much more since bomb day. S12 particularly would be really upset if I were to go and S15 is about to undergo major spinal surgery in a couple of months: he went for tests today. I want to give them as stable a homes possible because I think it’s important. I was moved about when I was young. I went to six different schools and ended up at one I hated so much I refused point blank to do any work. I think this had a lot to do with my own personality traits.

What can I do to break out of doormat mode? I’m planning to say to her that I want her to pay a more equal share into our joint bank account. I’ve analysed all of last year’s transactions and even if give he the benefit of the doubt and double the amount that she has put in, I paid in three times as much as she did … and I don’t even live there for five days out of seven.

I can take myself off, or rather not come back for the weekend at times, to have some fun with friends.

And then there’s GAL. This is hard as I only know one person in our town, and I don’t know him that well though he does know the situation. Got to think outside the box for this one. It’l take a bit longer to come up with some answers.

Have a think on it.

I think of almost nothing else at the moment ;-) The trouble is I’m racked with indecision. Mind you writing out the previous paragraph about wanting to stay for the boys sake has moved me that way slightly.

If, when I get a job, I can just swallow hard, accept her decision, STFU and seek to be the best I can be, that would be a goal with aiming for.

It’s her 49th birthday on valentine’s day. I’ve been wondering what’s in store for me then. I was toying with not going back that weekend because I don’t want to babysit while she goes out on another date. I don’t know her plans at this stage but if OM is pursuing … Thinking about it though, perhaps it would be a chance to show her that I have accepted it and moved on, which I have another little bit now after last weekend.

Once again thank you so much for taking the trouble to help me all of you.

[Old Dog]

Thanks V - sounds like Ceroc might be easier than Salsa then? I'll maybe have a look at a beginners event for that then...February GAL plan.

OD all of the venues start with an hours beginners session and then a breakout for beginners with experienced dancers called taxis. If you are anywhere near London the Ceroc London crew run a regular beginners class at Baden Powell house. It is usual at ridiculous cost of £5. Trust me you will get hooked!

Takes about 6 weeks and the great thing is that in learning to dance, the guy gets to lead!

Go find your mojo!

V

That (followed your ceroc link) looks really exciting V, thanks for that. I'm too far away while at work, on the south coast. When I get my 'dream job' back home, there's on I can go to that's only 25mins away though.

[gan]

Strikes me like a lot of this is about setting boundaries. This is not an area I am working on, OD, but I know others have struggled with this so hopefully someone can come forward. Anyone have suggestions for reading re setting boundaries?

In terms of the financials - you'll have to be careful to not come off as all vindictive. Again, this is where some discussion around framing boundaries would be useful I think.

Re boys - good on you for improving your relationship with the boys! To be honest, that doesn't really come through in your posts (which focus a lot on W). How about reporting back here on fun things you are doing with them etc. Try to one up yourself on things you do with them (= good GAL motivator). Check out Edz and Jim's threads for some inspiration.

Re not knowing many people to GAL with. Me neither. How are we going to address that? I've been looking into meetup groups, inviting random work colleagues out for lunch/after work drinks, trying to join a team for trailwalker, saying yes to social opportunities I might have turned down previously. I figure somewhere along the line I meet some people who I want to hang out with more. It's hard, but it's part of my work on me plan. Do you have any other ideas?

[Old Dog]

Boundaries, what are they?

Financials: I hear you about coming across as vindictive. I spewed about this to her months ago and she got mad, so I don't need to say that again. I just need to say I want you you to pay more of your share.

Relationship with boys: Good idea ganb8te. I do have grand ideas about what to do but then when I get home thay vanish into thin air.Got to write them down ... and then do them. I do read Edz & Jim's threads at times.

And meeting people: yup, I signed up for meetups and did go to a tech meetup once near home when I was back during the week. There are a couple that I could try out near the flat though.

Other ideas: try something you've always wanted to do or maybe even thought I never want to do. Such as skydiving or skiing/snowboarding (dry slope or Milton Keynes snowdome for me).

Thanks for your encouragement ganb8te.

[gan]

Paging Vanilla! See discussion above.

Old Dog, Vanilla has done an excellent job laying down her boundaries and sticking to them. They are basically your rules - things you will and won't tolerate - and actions you will take in the event they are breached (mostly to protect yourself). So one could be (for example) W cannot spend joint monies to fund activities with OM. I'm sure others will chime in soon enough.

Financials - totally get where you are coming from but think it is likely to go south again if you say it like that. Let's see if others can help with how to phrase it. (I had the opposite situation - H wanted to spilt funds immediately, which felt like a devastating blow at the time by now I am thankful).

[Karma12]

Boundaries are important. knowing your own personal values and beliefs help set those boundaries. I left my marriage because I wasn't being respected. My STBX was found ( still is ) a MLC. I will not live in an open marriage, I can forgive and understand someone gong through a crisis but you have to be sorry and want to change.

We teach people what we will accept and where our limits are.

[jim0987]

One of the things about boundaries is that its not about what you want them to do its about what you will do or not do (its all about you)

so on the financials it is NOT
'I want you to pay more'

it is more
'Given our current circumstances I will now only be paying 50% of the household bills. Should our circumstances change then I am happy to review this arrangement'

ok the phrasing isnt great but hopefully you get the idea

As for valentines day, not going back so she cant go out is punishing behaviour (probably not good). Besides it will be easy for her to sort an alternative sitter if it comes to it so it probably wouldnt have that affect anyway.

Not going back because you dont want to or have other plans is another thing altogether. Have you thought about taking the boys away for a weekend (maybe all do a snowboard course at MK or Tamworth)?

[Old Dog]

I haven't caught up today. I'll try and do better tomorow.

I have started to arrange a GAL activity for a week monday though.

[Sotto]

Hi OD - been thinking about you. Let us know how you're doing when you get chance. Good news on the GAL activity....what are you going to do my friend??