S, Maybell is right. You have to feel you feelings, then figure them out so you can let them go.
But you also dont want to anticipate feelings.
I want to tell you something. I get it. I have felt it. The fear. The anger. The sadness. The disbelief. All of it. Deeply.
I do not want to negate your feelings in any way by telling you about me. I just want you to really and truly know that I understand completely.
First, though, what can he really tell you thats worse than he wants a divorce and you werent a good wife?
I was married almost 25 years at bomb date. I stood for almost 3 years. My h stayed in our bed for almost a year, in our home for another one. All the while he was having an affair with his exgf from years ago.
I knew that he slept with her on our 25th anniversary. I watched as he ran out the door to meet her. Watched him break our son's heart over and over again. He would not leave the home until I threatened to tell our son everything. I had no choice, I was getting ill.
He set out to destroy me financially and he did.
I eventually got the apology, S. It isnt as important as you think it is. Because really, are those words enough to erase all the pain? Are they enough to right the wrongs? I didnt think they were.
To say I was heartbroken is an understatement. To say I was scared, an even bigger one. I was a stay at home mom for years and then held a part time job when my son started school.
I wont go into details now about what he did in the divorce...but it was pretty horrific.
I am not sorry I stood. I am thankful for the journey. I didnt save my marriage, though, he did want back in. But I sure as heck saved me.
The thing about fear is the only way to overcome it, is to confront it. That was a lesson that took me the longest to learn. Still have to work on it at times.
The other thing I learned was that I could wish all day long that he would act in the way that I thought was the right way, but, it would make no difference. I cannot control another person. Thats the truth of it.
He is going to be who he is. He is going to do what he chooses. And you cant control any part of it. None.
And holding onto wishing he would act the way you want..keeps you stuck.
S, I know how hurt you are. I know you are scared and angry and sad. I am so sorry you are. I wish that you didnt have to feel all these things. Truly.
You know your truth, S. Deep inside you do. Follow that. Embrace that. The rest....does not matter. What he says..does not matter. If other people dont see you...not your problem.
I have been where you are. I have felt what you feel...down to my core.
I promise you that you will get to the other side. You just have to walk through some fire to get there.
