I thought everything was okay....(Part 4)

[MCS]

Georgia,

Thanks for chiming in. I'm a thinker and you'll see most of what you have said here, I've thought and prayed long and hard about. One thing out of this whole situation is how much closer I am to my faith. One line in a song comes to my head about this is

"Make me broken, so I can be healed. 'Cause I'm so calloused And now I can't feel"

Well, I was calloused and I definitely can feel now.

First, for me....there's no way I'm dating right now. It was just a boost to my self esteem that people thought that I was a good guy and thought of me this way (i.e. I'm 'marketable'). I can tell you I'm lonely and crave affection, but that's part of being patient.

You are correct I am still married. I feel that way through and through. This is the worse in the "for better or worse"....When I said it wasn't a big deal, I didn't mean about me not getting set up. i meant that I wouldn't make a big deal about them 'trying' to do it, because I'm not interested. They all know that I want this to work out with my W.

I will tell you from a religious aspect, I'm in agreement. The covenant was not just between my wife and I, but also with Him. In fact, one of the reasons that I wanted to reach out to my pastor was to try and figure out how/when a M is actually finished in the eyes of God. I think that my W has thought that she is no longer married to me and its confusing me. I've said you get married in the church and divorced in a courthouse....Where's the closure from a religious standpoint? I know I have an 'out' from what the Book says; but how I see it there's also a lot in there about unconditional love, and well....that 'out' would be a condition to love. I've never thought too much about that Psalm (I think) about Love and all of the attributes. Patient, kind, obedient, rejoices in the truth... Look at those and you have DB almost to a tee.

As far as my W and the Pastor, I'm not sure what he is going to do. Like I said, I was worried for a while that he would approach her. She spent the first couple months after BD shutting out so many people in her life, but she was still going to church and I didn't want to do anything to jeopardize that. Since I detached, I realized that as long as I'm true to myself and to Him, that I can't be worried about how she's going to react to things I do that are right and good. That's one more piece of control that I'm letting go.

He didn't know actually what was really going on before yesterday other than she left suddenly, I didn't know why and we were still separated. He did say that last time he saw her, he said to her that everyone loves her and they are there for her. He also said someone from the Church was going to try to reach out to talk with her.

Lastly, have you seen the movie 'Fireproof?' If not, its pretty good. Not the best DBing (or acting) in there sometimes, but there's one thing that I thought when I read your post. The guy is trying to convince his W of his love for her and the harder he pushes the more she pushes away and he wants to 'give up' on her.

They make the connection that in life, even when we know that we have the right path in front of us, we often push away. However, Jesus doesn't give up on us nor 'force' us to believe in his salvation. We have to make the conscious choice to follow Him. Pastor's have the same struggle. I know he's looking out for her and knows the right path, but he needs to be delicate that she doesn't push herself farther away.