The END Hopefully they live happily ever after....

[DFE]

I have had several long years of limbo but it's finally over. I tried my best and I have peace knowing that I did everything to save my marriage and family. We have split everything between ourselves and without an attorney getting involved. Honestly he was more than fair. More fair than I would have been to him. I pretty much got everything that I wanted but I am still not at peace with it. I need advice.

I know that it's over but I haven't fully accepted it. I guess that comes with time. I have two issues now. One is the kids. We told them the other night and they are having a tough time with it. They want to move out and live with their grandparents. They hate this house. It breaks my heart. They finally said it was because they were sad that he was leaving. I have assured them that it will all be okay and that the only change will be where their dad sleeps. He will continue to be a big part of their lives. My STBX says that I shouldn't have told them and that I was wrong. I read too many magazines and talk to too many shrinks and by telling them I upset them. I disagree I think he upset them by leaving.

Second issue is I am so angry at him that I can't and don't want to make eye contact with him. He got upset about that today and can't understand why I can't be a mature adult about it and co-parent with him. He wants me to be his friend and I just don't have it in me. Am I wrong? Am I being immature? It feels like I am losing a family member despite all of our arguments and his insensitivity towards me. I need time to process it all. Am I wrong? Do I need to be his friend? He is a good person just one that didn't love me.

[Cadet]

Second issue is I am so angry at him that I can't and don't want to make eye contact with him.
He got upset about that today and can't understand why I can't be a mature adult about it and co-parent with him.
He wants me to be his friend and I just don't have it in me.
Am I wrong?
Am I being immature?
It feels like I am losing a family member despite all of our arguments and his insensitivity towards me.
I need time to process it all.
Am I wrong? Do I need to be his friend?
He is a good person just one that didn't love me.

Sounds like you are not DETACHED at all.

My suggestion is go back to the beginning and start with a beginners mind.

You have to look deep inside yourself to get some of these answers,
they won't be easy and LETTING GO is very hard.

However that is where you must start IMHO.

[DFE]

Cadet you are absolutely right. I have not detached at all. I still think of him as my husband. I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel weak and have zero self respect left. I have lived for so long knowing he doesn't live me that it's become normal. It's as if i am ok with living with someone that doesn't respect me. Will I ever detach and respect myself enough to know I deserve more.

[T384]

Letting go is very difficult but you have to do it for yourself. You will feel SO much better. Trust me I struggled tremendously with letting go and detaching. I don't know if I ever fully did but when I appeared that way towards H it sure peaked his interest that I could be smiling and having fun (acting as if) while he was sure he was destroying my life with his behavior.

Letting go is for you. It's for your well being. Do you have any GAL activities that you are participating in? I found that my friends and family were very helpful in doing things and keeping busy that helped me. I personally did everything with my kids for the most part but had a few girls nights out. But for me my GAL usually always included my boys which was fine with me. However if your H is actively involved with your children on a regular basis (mine wasn't) then I would advocate for some GAL activities without the kids so that you aren't lost when they are with H

Keep posting. Have you read DB or DR?

[25yearsmlc]

I'm confused by the time lines in the signature block. Did you guys separate and then have the boys and then he came back, or what?

I'll try to be more helpful when i have the right stuff in my head, thanks.

[DFE]

It has been a rough several weeks. We filed for divorce on the 20th. We aren't doing the whole one year waiting thing. We got a witness to say we have been living apart for over a year. We have done this dance too many times. If he wants a divorce I don't see why I should prolong it. The sooner I get on with my life the better.

So why can't I accept it's over. It feels like he moved out again and we are taking a break. Or we are in another fight and aren't speaking. We are doing things different this time. He has moved out and we barely have any contact except for work and sometimes the kids. I go through ups and downs but for the most part downs. I feel like we are going to get back together and I hate myself for it.

I feel week and want to let go but I love him, my marriage, and family dearly. I have many regrets and I wish I had worked harder on the things he needed when he came back last time. I know it takes time but I can't help but feel it's not over even though our divorce will be final before the end of the year. What's wrong with me? Why can't I accept this????

[Little]

Because you're a human being with valid emotions. You have every right to have trouble accepting it.

[DFE]

Thanks Little.

I feel like he still loves me. Crazy right? He is doing everything to make this easy on me. He has given me everything I asked for in the D. He says he wants to remain friends and he is always there for me. I'm sure it's out of guilt but I interpret it as him loving me. I know if he loved me he would have stayed but I think he was lost and couldn't handle the pressure and the fighting. I think he needs to find himself and that was a big part of our problem.

I just don't know how to stop thinking that he still loves me when his actions clearly tell me otherwise. I just can't disconnect from the relationship. I feel like he is a member of my family and I am loyal to him. I hope in time that changes.

[DFE]

My STBX left two months ago. Our divorce will be final soon and I have cut all contact with him. Even when he picks up,the kids I don't see him. I had accepted the divorce and am trying to move on. Then out of the blue he text me on Saturday after he picked up the kids. He asked me to join them for breakfast the next day. I declined saying I had plans. The next day he text me again telling me it wasn't too late to join them. I declined again.

He is close to my mom and we have mutual friends. They all think he's regretting his decision. It's like another kick in the gut. I'm trying to move on but this messes with my head again. Any thoughts as to why he would do this and what I should do?

[MrBond]

How long ago has it been since you've seen him? How do you co-parent with him if you two don't see each other?