Calibri (3)

[Mozza]

I apologize, Calibri.

I didn't mean to be rude. Where I've been, it was out of laziness, because I let a stream of consciousness fall on the page without thinking about how it sounded to you.

More importantly, I didn't mean to hurt you. Vanilla is right, I've been hurt too on this Forum. I've lost sleep and cried because of the way things were told to me -- I didn't even object to the content, which was nothing new to me and had been acknowledged previously. I take onboard that I've done to you what was then done to me. I'm very sorry.

I come on your thread because I identify with you. I'm just as forceful as you are in many ways. When I speak to you, perhaps I speak to me. At a moment where I'm deeply disappointed in myself, upset that I'm doing too little too late, for me, for my W, for my kids, I likely come out too strong when I see hints of the same things in others. It's also entirely possible that I see things that aren't there, because my brain is seeking certain patterns.

There are certain things that you've mentioned in your response that were new to me and that do change my take. I didn't think of your H as suicidal for instance. Obviously, this is a serious concern and hopefully you can warn other people if he does not want you to intervene. English is not my native language and I know few people from the South so it's very possible that "kid" is as neutral as you portray it.

As for death, I'm sorry to have touched such a sensitive point so carelessly. I've had suicide in my family too and I've been a suicide prevention team a long time ago. We then lost a kid in a situation in which I had direct involvement and I still think about it some 20 years later. It doesn't compare to your experience, but I mean it as a show of empathy.

Let me try to rephrase the heart of my message in a more constructive way. What I see as your challenge is accepting to let go. I hear that you don't mean to control him. The line can be hard to spot because trying to control your life kind of implies to control his actions, as is the case for all of us LBS. It's frustrating, as many of us know, to have our WAS behave destructively, for them and many others around them.

People have agency and can do self-harm. It's hard to witness when you care about someone, when it affects you too. It sets off all sorts of alarm bells. Your H is trying to set boundaries. I know this word is delicate as he more or less pulled it out of a hat when his C dropped it on his lap. He appears, to my remote perspective, as someone who's long been doing what other expected of him and very afraid of going against it. A "nice guy" in the worst sense of the term. Now he's throwing a tantrum typical of such "nice guys" who blow up after holding in for too long. It's unfair that you be the victim of it, and it's also sad that he should suffer so much from it. It sounds like he would actually need the support of a spouse at the moment, not be in the middle of a D.

What I'm learning in my S is that my wife has both relieved me from any responsibility towards he well-being and herself from owing me anything. She tells me every few weeks how much alcohol she takes, which is way too much. Yes, I'm concerned, but no I can't do anything unless it affects the kids. She can self-medicate with alcohol, she can push us deeper into the rabbit hole of D because of it, but it's no longer for me to reason her, to save her. It's very hard for me to accept as someone who's been, or considered himself to be, the "voice of reason" in the couple, stating what's often obvious ("alcohol is not a solution to your problems"). She may have to hurt to learn the lessons and it will be painful to see, especially as it affects me.

DB is not only about saving ourselves from D and perhaps reconciling, it's also about finding new ways to be to avoid the mistakes of the past. In my case, I'm learning not to criticize. Obviously, I'm still not very good at it and have much to learn. In your case, it's up to you to see and decide how you need to change to increase your chances of success in love in the future. I'm suggesting that you may be more controlling that even you realize. Perhaps you're not ready to hear it, at a moment where you feel that control would dig you out of a deep hole, and perhaps I'm completely wrong. It's a journey and there's no need to come to a conclusion today.

I am not a vet. I'm just in the middle of a struggle like you. All I can do is help you think about your sitch. I'm not one to give you advice based on my success for instance. I don't take any offense when you reject my analysis, I'm fully aware that I don't have to live with the consequences of your conclusions, only you do.

I hope this helps.