Seperated and she is with someone - I'm desperate

[vdubber]

Hi Karma. I know you are right. I need to leave her alone and she needs me to leave her alone. It feels strange to say that given we were so inseparable for so many years but I realize that is where things now stand.

I am trying to keep my mind occupied on other things and when I start thinking about her I stop and pray for God to give me strength to put her out of my mind and it helps for awhile. I can't say enough about what these forums have meant to me. I was in a much worse place mentally and emotionally before I stumbled onto this site, it's been exactly what I need and I feel privileged to have received so much advice and caring comments by all of you.

I actually met a friend and his wife tonight to watch some UFC fights. I went a little late as I had the little kids but I got them fed, in their Jammie's, watching a movie and my S (18) made sure they got to bed when movie was over. I was only out for a couple hours but it was good to get out even though I was a 3rd wheel. Tomorrow is the Super Bowl and my D (22) wants to stop by after work and watch it with me so that will be nice. She told me today her mom isn't the mom she knew and wants me to move on. I told her I'm working on me....getting a life for me but I do and always will love her mother.

Marriage issues are hard on everyone and she's had her anger and frustration with her Mom the past couple years but I make sure not to speak badly of her mother in front of any of my kids as we are both to blame for where we are. Do I want another chance...of course. But only time will tell. I cried very little so far today so I guess that's a good thing. Time to go write in my journal, say a prayer, and hope for sleep.

Goodnight to all of you and I pray that each and every one of your situations works out the way that is best for you.

[sandi2]

I believe a person in your stitch has to put forth a big effort to GAL. You made mention of being the third wheel when you were with the other couple. I think that is a very common feeling for one who is suddenly thrown into single status. Whether the S was lost in death or S/D. I have seen widows flock to each other b/c they feel out of place with couples. I hope you won't avoid friends who are couples, b/c they don't feel differently about you.....you just feel a little awkward right now. You may notice you are there without a partner, but it should not affect the friendship or enjoying their company.

I suggest you have a calendar to write your weekly GAL plans down. Plan ahead. Don't let more than two or three days go by without doing something that qualifies as GAL.

Watch your local newspaper for community activities and events. Explore new hobbies. Try new experiences. Go sightseeing. Take in some live shows. Wherever your interest may be is what you should pursue. You are your own boss and are free to do whatever you want.

At first, you may not want to get out of the house. Part of that is due to the sadness you have. When a person is depressed, they don't want to go anywhere. However, GAL will help you come out of the depression, loneliness, and boredom. It will help you find your identity again, and help give you self-confidence. So it is extremely important to "work" at GAL every few days, okay?

[vdubber]

Thank you Sandi. That is good advice and I will really try this next week (I don't have the little ones for a week starting tomorrow night) to get out and do some things. I need to develop some hobbies as it's always been about my family for me. I will definitely look in the calendar of events for the week and see what options I have. I'd like to meet people as admittedly I'm not one who likes doing things by myself but I know that also has to change.

3 days NC as of this morning. My FIL just stopped by to see kids and I. We don't talk about it and we are still close. It's hard seeing him sometimes as it makes me think of his daughter and what I would like but I appreciate his kindness to me and the kids and want him to feel welcome here. He may stop by later to watch part of the Super Bowl with us. This probably seems like an odd thing but he had a similar thing happen to his marriage and I know he feels very bad about the situation. I don't know if he knows about OM but it's just a matter of time and not my place to tell him.

Anyway...typing this has for some reason made me sad and cry. I am really trying to hold it together and close off my thoughts and feelings about her but I know it's a long process. Thank you for your guidance.

[vdubber]

Well Sunday night comes to a close. It was a good Super Bowl even if I did want Seattle to win. My D 22 came over for part of the game so that was nice. FIL did not stop by but I didn't expect it, just wanted to make him know he was welcome. Today was a hard day for me as we always watched the Super Bowl as a family, made a bunch of snacks, and did a football pool. Those days seem forever away and forever lost. I've been extra emotional today...tears flowing too much.

Got little ones bathed and off to bed. Drop them at daycare in the morning and then I won't see them for a week which is going to be really hard on me. I'm trying to think of something to do tomorrow after work to keep my mind busy. I think my DB/DR books might arrive so that would be good.

I'm encouraged by some of the stories I read on here but I have to admit I also get very discouraged at realizing what a long way I have to go and what I already feel are very slim chances for my M.

It's easy to see things in retrospect and know what you should have done, should have said. It would be so easy for us to all correct our M knowing what we know now but so very difficult and daunting task now. I've always had a kind a gentle heart and loved my W but I see now how I pushed her away. I am and will be forever humbled by this experience no matter how it turns out.

Goodnight to all of you.

[vdubber]

Today marks day #5 of NC for me with WAW. Its her day take kids for week and she just sent me a text asking if I would like to meet after work for a drink at the place we used to always go. I'm not sure what to do...I know I should probably say no thank you but hate to lose any opportunity....advice?

[vdubber]

I texted back with "I have other plans tonight but thank you for the offer". This was very difficult for me as I want to see her so badly but I know it will just cause me more pain. Even receiving her text has me all emotional. I hope I did the right thing. She texted back simply with "OK". Very hard for me....

[sandi2]

Big congrats on five days of NC!

So what do you want to do about meeting her? Never mind, I know what you want to do, but it would be the wrong move.

I would imagine she wants to do what we call a "temperature check" to make sure you are still strongly attached to her and will jump when she says frog. She's probably wondering what you've been doing that has had you so busy that you've gone five days without finding a reason to contact her. The curiosity must be eating her alive. That's good. Like the book says, be mysterious.

My suggestion would be to text her back and say, "Thanks, but I will have to take a rain check". If she starts with the nosie questions, just text back one time and say something like, "Sorry, but can't talk at the moment. Have a good week with the kids".

Youphase created a different type of opportunity. It is called "being less available to her". Remember reading about it? Do not drop everything and run when she crooks her finger. She will be more interested if she thinks you are pulling away.

Now, find something to do.

[vdubber]

I don't know what to read into her text and I know in my mind I really should read nothing into it. It's so difficult when I would truly love to see her more than anything but I feel it wouldn't be true to the path I need to take right now. I hope I didn't make a mistake and have that be the only time she ever contacts me.

[vdubber]

Thank you sandi. I haven't received the books yet and I was truly caught off guard so didn't know what to say. I did wait 20 minutes to respond. Couldn't wait longer as we had both just finished work.

[vdubber]

Met a friend for a drink last night so that was good. This morning WAW text me asking if kids had funds in their lunch account. I know this is just about kids but I went nearly 5 days NC when she didn't have kids and now she has kids as of last night and she's texted me twice. Once to meet for drinks and this about kids. It makes me anxious and emotional. I meet with IC Friday which will be good for me. DB/DR books did not arrive yesterday so hope they show up today. I'm struggling today keeping myself in check. It causes me pain to hear from her but at the same time I want her to keep trying to reach out to me to know she at least thinks about me sometimes. I know this is probably the wrong thought process but I really can't help but feel this way. I hope for more up days than downs.