Inside my chrysalis 11

[Maybell]

I've been trying to figure out the FB thing too.

[claire7]

I totally hear you Ss. I wish there was a way. I often feel like there is almost no one else in my life who understands this stuff the way this group does--or pushes my thinking the way this community does.

I find it hard to hang out with single mom's who were WAW. Like, they can't understand why I'm hanging on. One of the only other women I know in a similar situation is my MIL. (Not exactly someone I can call up for advice or to vent to at the moment!)

[gan]

I was on the FB page over the weekend trying to figure this out, too. Couldn't! Keep me in the loop if you figure it out.

[uRworthy]

Hey S. I just wrote a long post to you and I freakin lost it. Hate when that happens. LOL.

Ok, so you are right, divorce is very sad and you feel how you feel.

I think though, that you kind of set yourself up with worrying about how you are going to feel or act, that it makes it so, ya know?

These are some ways to stop your emotions from driving your actions.

I meant it when I said to make sure you look good. That always made me feel good. It gives you confidence.

I used to try to figure out different scenarios of what he may say and figure out how I would answer him. It helped to keep the emotions at bay and allows you not to be caught completely off guard.

I remembered that I was fighting for my son and no one, including my h, was going to stop me from doing that.

I like what your therapist said. You are deserving of being treated with kindness and care from your spouse.

I wouldnt worry right now about whether its possible to have the kind of relationship you spoke of right now.

I told you how small I was at bomb date. I had allowed my h to make me feel unworthy and incapable.

I needed new mirrors other than my mother and my h because those werent serving me well.

So, I watched how people responded to me. I smiled more, engaged more. I saw how much my son, sister, niece and nephew loved me. The more I grew, the more mirrors I got.

You are an amazing woman, S...smart, funny, real. When you meet with him..remember this..you are strong..be her, you are capable..be her..you are a wonderful mother....be her. Dont allow him to take any more from you, S.

There will be peace one day, sweetie. You will be ok. Things happen as they should. I truly believe that.

[Ss06]

Thank you guys.

Ok, so you are right, divorce is very sad and you feel how you feel.

I think though, that you kind of set yourself up with worrying about how you are going to feel or act, that it makes it so, ya know?

So what you're saying is that I'm in control of my emotions, not the other way around. This is HUGELY important and something I so easily forget. It's hard to remember that I can pick and choose what I'm willing to feel. Feelings don't happen to me, I choose to experience them, right?

So I'm scared. That's a feeling. I can choose not not be scared but I genuinely feel like that would be denying the actual visceral reactions my body is having to all this.

I. Am. Terrified.

And the act of sitting down and talking with the external embodiment of that fear (stbx) seriously feels like I'm facing a huge fire breathing dragon.

I'm so afraid though of things that havent been said, words he hasn't uttered. I'm afraid of what I assume will be said, my worst nightmare of words and I'm afraid of those visceral reactions. So scared of not being able to breathe. Of suffocating with fear even more than I already am. Fear is a hard thing to "fake it 'till ya make it" through, you know?

And you know what? Brace yourself for serious spew and anger:

He has spent 7 months disdainfully expressing his emotions about how horrible I am, what an awful person and wife I was. I KNOW he has spewed to others about it and [censored] talked me to friends, family and acquaintances. That's fine, he has a right to be whatever person he wants to be.

But he got his apologies from me. I said them over and over, through tears and pain. I offered amends he did not accept. I promised change with an honest heart and sincerity. I gave and gave and GAVE to this marriage 10,000 times over and then even more during separation.

And I get NO apologies. NONE. I get no amends. I get no recognition of his role in any of this. And why is it important to me? BECAUSE IT IS. It just is. I feel like it's the adult thing to do and the right thing to do and with all that was so wrong in our marriage, I feel I am deserving enough of at least that. Recognition of all I put in. Recognition of all I've been through. Recognition of all I sacrificed for the sake of his career, our family, his wants and desires. Recognition of all I put forth so we could maybe, possibly, hopefully have the connection and satisfaction of a truly loving marriage.

The grief is unbearable. Why does it freaking hurt so much?!

Just go ahead and say it because I know you're thinking it:

Ss, you're a mess.

I know. And if you could see the tears and snot on my sweater sleeves you'd be disgusted.

uR, these mirrors you talk of... it makes sense. To see myself through the eyes of others, I'm well liked. People think I'm smart and I'm not sure why I find that so surprising, almost shocking. People think I'm kind and funny. And giving. Very giving. I know these things... but are they actually true? How do I know the truth?

On DB's most recent FB post about maintaining a sense of humor, I said, "Important to remember" because it is and so maybe some of you could find me.

[Maybell]

So what you're saying is that I'm in control of my emotions, not the other way around. This is HUGELY important and something I so easily forget. It's hard to remember that I can pick and choose what I'm willing to feel. Feelings don't happen to me, I choose to experience them, right?

No, it means -- feel it. Acknowledge it. And then COUNTER it. "I feel fear. WHY do I feel fear?" And then pick that answer apart, see what's rational in it and try to solve for that (or at least acknowledge that it may have to solve for itself in the right moment) and understand what is not rational and can be let go.

I'm so afraid though of things that havent been said, words he hasn't uttered. I'm afraid of what I assume will be said, my worst nightmare of words and I'm afraid of those visceral reactions. So scared of not being able to breathe. Of suffocating with fear even more than I already am. Fear is a hard thing to "fake it 'till ya make it" through, you know?

What are those things? What's the worst he can say? How would you respond to him if he did say those things? Is what he's saying reasonable and accurate? If so, own it, and list the ways in which you've worked to change them. If not, give that back to him (I had a friend who, in her mind, pictured those things as a beach ball and imagined herself *literally* handing the ball to her XH). Don't own his stuff.

And I get NO apologies. NONE. I get no amends. I get no recognition of his role in any of this. And why is it important to me? BECAUSE IT IS. It just is. I feel like it's the adult thing to do and the right thing to do and with all that was so wrong in our marriage, I feel I am deserving enough of at least that. Recognition of all I put in. Recognition of all I've been through. Recognition of all I sacrificed for the sake of his career, our family, his wants and desires. Recognition of all I put forth so we could maybe, possibly, hopefully have the connection and satisfaction of a truly loving marriage.

Did you see what I wrote today? Did you see how I was answered? I get it. I can't answer it better than that, but I want you to hear me and feel validated. I get it.

The grief is unbearable. Why does it freaking hurt so much?!

Because you were all in. Because you didn't get a say. Because you intended better. Because you tried so hard and were treated so shabbily.

Ss, you're a mess.

No worse than the rest of us, sweetie.

[Old Dog]

I'm so sorry your having such a hard time Ss. The weekend was bad for me too but I like MWD's fb post of 27th Jan. You should check it out and maybe the Scales will fall from your eyes.

[uRworthy]

S, Maybell is right. You have to feel you feelings, then figure them out so you can let them go.

But you also dont want to anticipate feelings.

I want to tell you something. I get it. I have felt it. The fear. The anger. The sadness. The disbelief. All of it. Deeply.

I do not want to negate your feelings in any way by telling you about me. I just want you to really and truly know that I understand completely.

First, though, what can he really tell you thats worse than he wants a divorce and you werent a good wife?

I was married almost 25 years at bomb date. I stood for almost 3 years. My h stayed in our bed for almost a year, in our home for another one. All the while he was having an affair with his exgf from years ago.

I knew that he slept with her on our 25th anniversary. I watched as he ran out the door to meet her. Watched him break our son's heart over and over again. He would not leave the home until I threatened to tell our son everything. I had no choice, I was getting ill.

He set out to destroy me financially and he did.

I eventually got the apology, S. It isnt as important as you think it is. Because really, are those words enough to erase all the pain? Are they enough to right the wrongs? I didnt think they were.

To say I was heartbroken is an understatement. To say I was scared, an even bigger one. I was a stay at home mom for years and then held a part time job when my son started school.

I wont go into details now about what he did in the divorce...but it was pretty horrific.

I am not sorry I stood. I am thankful for the journey. I didnt save my marriage, though, he did want back in. But I sure as heck saved me.

The thing about fear is the only way to overcome it, is to confront it. That was a lesson that took me the longest to learn. Still have to work on it at times.

The other thing I learned was that I could wish all day long that he would act in the way that I thought was the right way, but, it would make no difference. I cannot control another person. Thats the truth of it.

He is going to be who he is. He is going to do what he chooses. And you cant control any part of it. None.

And holding onto wishing he would act the way you want..keeps you stuck.

S, I know how hurt you are. I know you are scared and angry and sad. I am so sorry you are. I wish that you didnt have to feel all these things. Truly.

You know your truth, S. Deep inside you do. Follow that. Embrace that. The rest....does not matter. What he says..does not matter. If other people dont see you...not your problem.

I have been where you are. I have felt what you feel...down to my core.

I promise you that you will get to the other side. You just have to walk through some fire to get there.

We will be right beside you, sweetie.

[Ss06]

I've had to step back and let all of your words sink in. I don't know what I'd do without you guys, ALL of you.

uR, your wisdom and experience is so precious to me that I can't properly express how much I need it and thoroughly appreciate it. I know what you've been through was horrific, though I don't know the specifics. I also know that given who you are today, it was worth it.

I can't really pinpoint exactly what I'm afraid of with this talk with stbx. I know what he wants and i know how he feels about me. I'm not even hoping to change his mind. I'm just uninterested in what he wants and what he thinks. I just want to file, have attys work out the specifics and be done.

I know it doesnt' work like that... I mean, it could, but it'd be better if it didn't.

D7 has been getting in trouble a lot at school. It's all related to whatever issues we're dealing with with her and the whole reason for her upcoming testing. It's not until March and her teacher, principal and mother (me) are completely at our wits end with her. I really need this testing to NOT just come back saying "yeah, so she has attention issues that we can address". There is SO MUCH more than just attention issues here and there has been since BIRTH. This isn't just bad behavior in reaction to her parents ambiguous marital status... this is the same stuff and she is just not figuring it out despite my INCREDIBLE efforts.

I talked with stbx last night on the phone about what's going on in school with her. I suggested some things and made some requests for more consistency at his place, fewer video games (if any) and a for-reals-no-seriously on-time bedtime for her when she is with him. Strangely, he was receptive and not defensive at all. There is absolutely no predicting how he'll react to anything so it's always a surprise when he's receptive.

With this impending divorce, D7's excessive behavior issues and the unknown of the future I really feel like i have a lot on my plate. Too much, really. I'm exhausted but I'm still standing.

I've chosen to step back from those three "friends" (one of them is the pearl clutcher) who have not been there for me AT ALL through this. I get, on average, 150 texts a day from that group of ladies and NOT ONE is asking how I'm doing or if I need support, a hug, a listening ear... I just can't with them anymore. I deserve better friends in my life. I just do.

Anyway, this is a super scattered post... pretty indicative of where my brain is... or isn't. Ha!

Taking baby steps... working my way up to that chat with stbx.

[Karma12]

Surround yourself with people you know you can trust. Stepping away from surface friends is a good idea.

If ur STBX gets abusive in the way he speaks to you. hang up the phone or if it's person walk away. My first h. had anger issues. I learned through an IC how to respond to him and how to draw boundaries. The IC would role play with me to help me learn. It really helped a lot. They can't spew without an audience. When ur STBX is directing his anger at you he is just taking all the crap that is his and he's dumping it on you.

You are a strong woman..,you can do this. Baby steps forward one day at a time