This can't be the end! #2

[Mozza]

Barry, you're right: your sitch is not special. You might not have tried to suggest that it is, not consciously, but you decided that your sitch was over based on one text. One banal text that every vet has received and worst. People who R have gone through restraining orders, moves abroad, divorces, custody fights, screaming, family involvement, etc. You receive one text and you're out. Maybe you're not cut out for this and that's fine. No one here is pushing you to stay in your M. No one will judge you.

But if you want to save your M, you will need an attitude adjustments. You will need to realize that no one can predict the future, especially not the two of you who are D after 20 years of M and four kids. Unless that was the plan all along?

You will need to learn to weather these pronouncements. There will be many more. Your WAW will seek a sense of liberation from your M, so she will take many steps that will look like the end of it. And it might turn out to be, but you just don't know that today. Especially not based on one text.

I'm sorry if my post sounded hopeless, but my W is so stubborn, I really don't think she'll change her mind. She'll see it as a form of weakness that she "backed down" after telling anyone who would listen that we're splitting up. It may not be hopeless, but it sure seems that way.

Barry, did your W tell everyone she was getting married twenty years ago? Did she ever change her mind on this? Well, I think she just did. So tell me again: how stubborn is she? Is she only stubborn in your mind when it fits your pessimistic narrative?

I suggest you read a couple of success stories. See the top of my threads. It's not the usual one-paragraph thanks-for-saving-my-M, it's links to the original threads where you see people going through every stage. Then you will realize what you and your W got yourself into at BD.

You can also continue to follow my sitch where I sometimes explain why I remain steadfast.

Finally, DB is about saving yourself while going through D. You will not lose anything by following DB through it. You will gain guidance, support, composure, pride, and energy. You GAL to be happy, you detach because you have no other choice. You remain cordial with your W because the alternative is not helping you. You set boundaries and avoid controlling because it's the only right you got.

Perhaps it would help you if you imagined the complete arc of your R, starting from now. How would it happen? Do you imagine, tomorrow, receiving flowers with an apology letter and renewing your vows in April? If not, what are the steps you see ahead on the path to R?

Perhaps it's a good thing that you feel it's over because it will help you detach. If so, then good. But if it means you'll stop DB, with all that it implies, that's when you might get into more trouble than it's worth.

Again, if you want to abandon, nobody will judge you.