Old dog seeks new trick 8

[Old Dog]

I think what you need is to show WAW that you are fine with her decision to end the marriage and that you are moving on.

Yes. I’ve tried waiting patiently, but every know and then when she makes some other devisive move, I haven’t been able to just STFU and we have ‘the discussion’ again where she repeats her blinkered mantras, I backslide and feel devastated and abandoned again. At least it’s getting shorter each time.

Maybe I am totally off base but I think she is taking advantage of your kind and calm nature. She knows no matter what she does you will not rock the boat. You will still be there financially and physically. She doesn't have to worry about the kids being upset. She knows you are reliable.

No, you are bang on there Lisa.

She will not wake up and realize she made a mistake unless she feels she lost you or is in severe danger of losing you. If you want your wife back, you have to change the situation.

Yes, I think I have finally come to realise I need to change it up because this isn’t working. Slowly but surely she is withdrawing further away and now even has an OM. I don’t know where she stayed on Friday night, I think it may have been in the city where the play was, and I don’t know if he was there, all I know is she didn’t come home. That is so gutting but I didn’t mention it or react at all on Sunday when I got back from staying with my mum. You would have been proud considering what a basket case I was the day before.

Having said that, I suppose there is a chance that you could just wait out this phase she is in. Let her see the grass is not greener on her own and maybe she will finally realize that you are amazing and fall back into your arms. That's not happening so far though.

My plan was always to get a job where I can live at home and try and reintegrate myself back in the family, but so far I haven’t been able to do that. I’ve come close a couple of times, but not yet. I did speak to a couple of people last Friday who are looking for people though and one of them definitely sounds promising.

I always felt I couldn’t practice DBing properly when so far away during the week and precious little quality time at the weekends either.

I think she doesn't respect you or see you as an independent man. She sees you as the old reliable.

Moving out and telling her you are done would change the dynamic, but perhaps it is not right for your situation, and not true to yourself. But what can you do to show her you are no longer her doormat?

I would like to move out and very nearly did so on Saturday before she came back. The thing that stops me is plan A, mentioned above and the boys. I have engaged with them so much more since bomb day. S12 particularly would be really upset if I were to go and S15 is about to undergo major spinal surgery in a couple of months: he went for tests today. I want to give them as stable a homes possible because I think it’s important. I was moved about when I was young. I went to six different schools and ended up at one I hated so much I refused point blank to do any work. I think this had a lot to do with my own personality traits.

What can I do to break out of doormat mode? I’m planning to say to her that I want her to pay a more equal share into our joint bank account. I’ve analysed all of last year’s transactions and even if give he the benefit of the doubt and double the amount that she has put in, I paid in three times as much as she did … and I don’t even live there for five days out of seven.

I can take myself off, or rather not come back for the weekend at times, to have some fun with friends.

And then there’s GAL. This is hard as I only know one person in our town, and I don’t know him that well though he does know the situation. Got to think outside the box for this one. It’l take a bit longer to come up with some answers.

Have a think on it.

I think of almost nothing else at the moment ;-) The trouble is I’m racked with indecision. Mind you writing out the previous paragraph about wanting to stay for the boys sake has moved me that way slightly.

If, when I get a job, I can just swallow hard, accept her decision, STFU and seek to be the best I can be, that would be a goal with aiming for.

It’s her 49th birthday on valentine’s day. I’ve been wondering what’s in store for me then. I was toying with not going back that weekend because I don’t want to babysit while she goes out on another date. I don’t know her plans at this stage but if OM is pursuing … Thinking about it though, perhaps it would be a chance to show her that I have accepted it and moved on, which I have another little bit now after last weekend.

Once again thank you so much for taking the trouble to help me all of you.