Ok, so you are right, divorce is very sad and you feel how you feel.
I think though, that you kind of set yourself up with worrying about how you are going to feel or act, that it makes it so, ya know?
So what you're saying is that I'm in control of my emotions, not the other way around. This is HUGELY important and something I so easily forget. It's hard to remember that I can pick and choose what I'm willing to feel. Feelings don't happen to me, I choose to experience them, right?
So I'm scared. That's a feeling. I can choose not not be scared but I genuinely feel like that would be denying the actual visceral reactions my body is having to all this.
I. Am. Terrified.
And the act of sitting down and talking with the external embodiment of that fear (stbx) seriously feels like I'm facing a huge fire breathing dragon.
I'm so afraid though of things that havent been said, words he hasn't uttered. I'm afraid of what I assume will be said, my worst nightmare of words and I'm afraid of those visceral reactions. So scared of not being able to breathe. Of suffocating with fear even more than I already am. Fear is a hard thing to "fake it 'till ya make it" through, you know?
And you know what? Brace yourself for serious spew and anger:
He has spent 7 months disdainfully expressing his emotions about how horrible I am, what an awful person and wife I was. I KNOW he has spewed to others about it and [censored] talked me to friends, family and acquaintances. That's fine, he has a right to be whatever person he wants to be.
But he got his apologies from me. I said them over and over, through tears and pain. I offered amends he did not accept. I promised change with an honest heart and sincerity. I gave and gave and GAVE to this marriage 10,000 times over and then even more during separation.
And I get NO apologies. NONE. I get no amends. I get no recognition of his role in any of this. And why is it important to me? BECAUSE IT IS. It just is. I feel like it's the adult thing to do and the right thing to do and with all that was so wrong in our marriage, I feel I am deserving enough of at least that. Recognition of all I put in. Recognition of all I've been through. Recognition of all I sacrificed for the sake of his career, our family, his wants and desires. Recognition of all I put forth so we could maybe, possibly, hopefully have the connection and satisfaction of a truly loving marriage.
The grief is unbearable. Why does it freaking hurt so much?!
Just go ahead and say it because I know you're thinking it:
Ss, you're a mess.
I know. And if you could see the tears and snot on my sweater sleeves you'd be disgusted.
uR, these mirrors you talk of... it makes sense. To see myself through the eyes of others, I'm well liked. People think I'm smart and I'm not sure why I find that so surprising, almost shocking. People think I'm kind and funny. And giving. Very giving. I know these things... but are they actually true? How do I know the truth?
On DB's most recent FB post about maintaining a sense of humor, I said, "Important to remember" because it is and so maybe some of you could find me.
