Calibri (3)

[Calibri]

We so desperately need to communicate with one another.

Why? Honest question. To file the taxes? Take care of the dog? I hope it's not to do some instant therapy or to convince him that D is a bad idea?
[/quote}
Why? Because we both agree that communication is something we need to work on. Anytime there's a hard situation, he shuts down, and then comes back around and says he needs to learn how to communicate. Because there's some private situations going on in my life that I need to talk about - because he's a part of that have nothing to do with taxes, or divorce or anything like that. No, it's not for instant therapy. No it's not to convince him that D is a bad idea.

Poor guy! I really hope he gets a breather from one of these. How come you know so much by the way, since you two barely communicate?

Because up until two weeks ago -- we were talking (which there's a difference between talking and communicating), sharing things that were going on.

the kid (that's my nickname for him sometimes)

Woah. I could never ever imagine my W calling me "kid". Neither would I all her that. I don't even remember another couple using this nickname, tough I'm not there in their intimacy and it might be more common than I realize.

Think of another relationship that you have with someone that you consider your equal. A cousin? A colleague? Now imagine calling him "kid". If I were to call someone kid, I'd definitely "feel" in a position of power towards that person. I'd never call my boss "kid" for instance. It's not my personality, but I might imagine calling a colleague as such, but because I feel an advantage over him.
[/quote]

It's a nickname not a assertion of domination over him, and it's a private one. I live in the southern US. We call people "hun", "sugar", "sweetie" "honey" "sugar pie" "kid" "honey bunch" etc. I'm called kid myself, alot. I do not feel an advantage over him because I once in a blue moon call him kid, nor do I feel that he is disrespectful towards me because he calls me "baby doll."

Re-read the paragraph above and it will give you a hint. See how much you yearn for controlling him again. How difficult it is for you to just accept his rhythm, his demands, his emotions. And this is when you are powerless because he's in charge. I really wonder what it looked like in the M, when you had obligations to one another. You don't want to know how he feels, you want to control it, you want to fix it, to change it. That's how it comes across. You don't want a letter or third person telling you how he feels -- which would give you the knowledge you're asking for -- you want direct communication with him because that's how you can influence him.

No, I don't want to influence him AND no I don't want a third person telling me how he feels (because honestly, it's rude to have a third person end a marriage). I would like to know what's going on with him to have such a reaction in his life. Because, and I know you'll find this shocking, it's not all about me. It's a storm of different things going on and I would like to understand what's going on so I understand.

I've been meaning to tell you that your recent concern about his safety was... over the top. You really, honestly feared that maybe he was dead and, if so, that you had a role to play? That you could still save his life, say, before he crossed that street in front of a bus? How many people you know are dying every week? What are the chances that he is dying? That you could save him? That nobody else is there for him? That he can't take care of himself?

Wow. So. Here's the thing. You know what I do for a living? Organ and tissue recovery. Off of people who die. I've currently got 20 cases on my board that I'm working on from people who have died in the past 48 hours. Some could've been prevented (like the two people who died in a car crash because they didn't buckle their seat belts), others couldn't. Those weren't my people to save. My H isn't my person to save either, in some sense. But, forgive me, but I've lost three people in my life to suicide. One of which, we didn't take their depression and their threats seriously. We poo poo'd it, said it would be fine, that they would work themselves out. And you know how they worked themselves out? By shooting themselves in the head. That's how they worked it out. I got to deliver that news to my mother. In person. At her work. That her father shot himself to death. While I know now, that we couldn't have prevented it -- it's a bitch to live with knowing that we didn't take him seriously. Maybe it would've changed something, maybe it wouldn't.

I take it seriously now, when people start showing signs of severe depression. I take it seriously when people say they're spiraling out of control and feel hopeless. When they say they feel like all they're doing is hurting people and they want it all to stop. I no longer think, "well they'll just sort it out." Do I think that H was dying because of me? No. Do I think that the perfect storm is there that could tip the scale one way or the other? Yes. Do I have concern for that? Yes, from things he's directly said, that out of respect for him I will not post here. And no, Mozza, there is no one else there for him? You know how I know? Because I pulled him OFF THE FLOOR OF HIS HOTEL ROOM on thanksgiving day, made sure he was fed, made sure he was ok, when he was so bad, because his parents couldn't be bothered to make the 2.5 hour drive to see their son in crisis, because they wanted to stay at home and watch the Macy's Day parade. Because his brother, is going through the same mental health meltdown with his own wife - hasn't talked to him since August. When I talked to his mother this weekend? She said that he wasn't depressed, that all he needed was some fresh air, and a home cooked meal and that he'd be ok. Because that's her solution to everything. Fresh air, a home cooked meal and sweep it under the table. So yes. I am aware of how many people die, I look at death daily. No, there is no one down here for my H.

I wonder if you have some savior syndrome, if this guy is your guinea pig and feeds your sense that you have to save the world (or someone). Do you think he has the same reaction you do, wondering if you're going to survive without him? It might help you to see the imbalance to imagine your reactions applied to him.

No. I don't have a savior syndrome. I just give a [censored]. Because I've seen what depression does to people. I see what mental illness does to people. I see what happens to people when they're left alone with no support system. I've seen it with my dad. My mom, my grandfather, my best friend, my husband, my childhood friend, my co-worker.


==========
Honestly, I appreciate that you comment on my thread, and "push me hard" but I think you are walking a thin line between being hard, and being rude. I would never, ever, have spoken to someone who has concern for their spouse's well being the way you spoke to me. I come here for support. I come here to learn about myself. Maybe I haven't figured it out Mozza. Maybe I'm still learning all about it. But I do not appreciate you belittling my concern over the safety and well being about my husband who is clearly in a mental health crisis. I would encourage you in the future, to show some sympathy to those who are in the throws of it -- and perhaps consider how your words might feel if they were said back to you? Should you have something similar in your sitch, I wouldn't sit there and say you were controlling or what not, I would ask you why you had concerns, and offer sympathy - instead of insinuating that you were overreacting to something that was so clearly concerning to you and your family.