Calibri (3)

[Mozza]

We so desperately need to communicate with one another.

Why? Honest question. To file the taxes? Take care of the dog? I hope it's not to do some instant therapy or to convince him that D is a bad idea?

The week this all went to hell in a handbasket (the latest time), he got passed over for a position at work, got a negative review, denied a raise, felt the lowest point that he had been in years, told me he was working on things with me, got busted on Tinder and having a conversation with a girl on FB, decided to enforce boundaries for the first time in his life, moved out of his hotelbatcave, had several bad therapy sessions with his therapist digging up childhood chit and started talking in depth to his toxic mother and told me that he feels that all he does is hurt people in his life, disappoint them and can't amount to anything.

Poor guy! I really hope he gets a breather from one of these. How come you know so much by the way, since you two barely communicate?

the kid (that's my nickname for him sometimes)

Woah. I could never ever imagine my W calling me "kid". Neither would I all her that. I don't even remember another couple using this nickname, tough I'm not there in their intimacy and it might be more common than I realize.

Think of another relationship that you have with someone that you consider your equal. A cousin? A colleague? Now imagine calling him "kid". If I were to call someone kid, I'd definitely "feel" in a position of power towards that person. I'd never call my boss "kid" for instance. It's not my personality, but I might imagine calling a colleague as such, but because I feel an advantage over him.

I would like to know what's going on -- why he feels the way he does.

Re-read the paragraph above and it will give you a hint. See how much you yearn for controlling him again. How difficult it is for you to just accept his rhythm, his demands, his emotions. And this is when you are powerless because he's in charge. I really wonder what it looked like in the M, when you had obligations to one another. You don't want to know how he feels, you want to control it, you want to fix it, to change it. That's how it comes across. You don't want a letter or third person telling you how he feels -- which would give you the knowledge you're asking for -- you want direct communication with him because that's how you can influence him.

Regardless of what happens to us -- I love him. So deeply. So truly. I want what's best for him. And I am so concerned for him right now. I was to be supportive, but I honestly, just do not know what to do other than stand stock still and let him talk. Like no sudden movements, you know?

I've been meaning to tell you that your recent concern about his safety was... over the top. You really, honestly feared that maybe he was dead and, if so, that you had a role to play? That you could still save his life, say, before he crossed that street in front of a bus? How many people you know are dying every week? What are the chances that he is dying? That you could save him? That nobody else is there for him? That he can't take care of himself?

I wonder if you have some savior syndrome, if this guy is your guinea pig and feeds your sense that you have to save the world (or someone). Do you think he has the same reaction you do, wondering if you're going to survive without him? It might help you to see the imbalance to imagine your reactions applied to him.

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Email response. "Thanks. Don't worry. I'm glad you took care of yourself. I'm available when you want to talk." Don't invade his space, not even by showing excessive concern.