LITB sure hit on the salient points, and I'd like to include a few more of my own observations.
You're actively trying to save a marriage that your H has stated several times he doesn't want to save. That means you respect his decision. YES, you can still work on your R with him. Remember when I said that your expectations were going to get you in trouble? What he reads from this is, "Here goes Mary, thinking she's going to control me and the outcome and I just won't listen to her... period." By doing this engaging, you're giving him the green light to go right out of the door.
You've GOT to focus on you and your kiddo and let him be.
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He asked me what was wrong, and I said “nothing” then walked away.
Jeez, Mary... really? This was completely untrue. In fact, it's a damn lie. Why didn't you use your DB tactics and be authentic without all this ugly drama? You're showing him that he is right that you won't change.
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I gave a short answer and he angrily said, “Is there something you want to say to me?” I said no.
Again, inauthentic and false.
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I have been pleasant and accommodating and patient, taking care of all his needs, making dinner, washing his clothes, trying to anticipate his needs…giving him space…and he hasn’t changed his behavior at all.
Ummm, Mary, can you dissect this one a bit? Because I see more untruths here.
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I mean…how am I supposed to react to that? With more kindness and affirmation? I seriously do not know how to proceed.
Well, I really am not someone to swing 2x4's, but I think this might be the only effective way to get you to see that your words and actions are polar opposites. You say you give him space, which is not the case as I read it. You say things that aren't true. Okay, so you withhold your feelings and use them against him in your conversations. You need to seriously create a plan and stick to it. As I see here, it's more of the same volatility from you.
What kind of stop gaps can you employ to just communicate differently? In fact, I'd put this one at the top of my goals list and leave out "save marriage" for now. Let's work on authentic communication without drama.
Ideas?
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
