Inside my chrysalis 11

[Maybell]

You can request the returns online direct from the irs. You do not have to talk to him.

[Ss06]

I can get the transcripts online, I think, but not the whole return.

[Maybell]

Get everything you can. Those things have a lot of information and even the forms without supporting documents will tell the experts a lot about what to look for.

[uRworthy]

Hey S, glad you are feeling a bit less anxious. And yea, get whatever you can.

I wanted to ask you what you meant that he will know when you retain a L?

[Ss06]

If I take money out of the account to pay a retainer, he'll know. If I call the accountant for copies of the tax returns, he'll know.

I feel like I need to have that talk with him that I keep putting off (because even though I've taken back control and I feel informed and empowered, I still have visceral anxiety reactions that I just HATE), get a feel for what's up, his mood, his goals and maybe suggest we use this atty that I found as a mediator? I don't know.

[Maybell]

Open your own account for the banana pay checks. Talk to the good lawyer about how to work the payment in such a way that it doesn't trigger bad behavior. Advocate for yourself the way you do for your D.

[uRworthy]

What Maybell said, S.

Listen, if the talk is going to cause you anxiety, dont have it. Your choice. I always believe knowledge is power, though. But I get it, you arent sure you can pull it off.

So, let's work through what the anxiety is about? If you are just information gathering, you can just let him talk. Validate when you can, dont get emotional.

You have power here, S. You are getting your ducks in a row. You are finding your strength. He cant hurt you anymore, sweetie. He isnt in charge of your life. You are.

If it were me, I would get myself looking good and walk in there with att-it-tude. The attitude being...dude, you think you are going to sit there and intimidate me with divorce talk...hell to the no cuz I got me some information. LOL!

If you do go, I am not sure I would say anything about using her. That tips your hand. You can always say that at another time.

I know this feels like a game and its your life. But it has to be played like a game for right now in order to protect you and your daughter.

[Ss06]

Yes, the talk is going to cause me anxiety but I can't avoid it forever. I don't want to be a coward. I'm afraid of showing my vulnerability and crying during the talk but I need to stop being ashamed of my emotions. A divorce is something to cry over.

I will just let him talk. Information gather. Validate. Manage my emotions... but if he asks me a question, I might shatter.

I do have power. I know what's up but my heart is still broken so it's hard to find my big girl panties in this pile of rubble.

I had an IC appointment today. Sobbed the whole time. She's helping me to realize that *I* am not the failure in all of this. That *we* were not good together and that *I* am entitled to support, consistency, being valued. That's it's ok for me to want to rely on someone, to want to be able to expect a certain level of care from someone, to be respected.

I told her that I thought a real loving, caring, supportive, consistent, hard-working and hard-loving marriage was the proverbial unicorn. She said they do exist and that I'm worthy of one.

Now to grow to believe that. I'm afraid to believe it because what if I am disappointed. Again.

I really need to find that deep place of peace inside of me again. I'm treading water in stormy seas and I need some peace and calm for a bit. I'm not sure where to find it. It's hard to take solace in a place that suddenly feels very temporary (my home). I'm finding I'm already detaching from it so it doesn't hurt so badly when I move out of it. This would be move #30+ for me. I'm not a fan.

I'm going back to bed.

[Ss06]

I am really wanting to connect with so many of you outside of this forum. I know it's against the rules to post personal stuff but I'd love to find a way. Sometimes the 3 am text feels very supportive... just enough so you can go back to sleep. You know?

[Calibri]

I spent all weekend in bed. Friday afternoon - this morning.

I got up to let the dogs out and feed them and went riiiiighhhht back to bed. I'm surprised I even made it to work today.

Didn't Little say there was the facebook page? We could all strategically do that? Like, I'm the girl with the skull shirt on who commented on x post? Covert [censored] like that.

(watch me get banned for suggesting this, when I probably need this place the most.)