Yes, the talk is going to cause me anxiety but I can't avoid it forever. I don't want to be a coward. I'm afraid of showing my vulnerability and crying during the talk but I need to stop being ashamed of my emotions. A divorce is something to cry over.
I will just let him talk. Information gather. Validate. Manage my emotions... but if he asks me a question, I might shatter.
I do have power. I know what's up but my heart is still broken so it's hard to find my big girl panties in this pile of rubble.
I had an IC appointment today. Sobbed the whole time. She's helping me to realize that *I* am not the failure in all of this. That *we* were not good together and that *I* am entitled to support, consistency, being valued. That's it's ok for me to want to rely on someone, to want to be able to expect a certain level of care from someone, to be respected.
I told her that I thought a real loving, caring, supportive, consistent, hard-working and hard-loving marriage was the proverbial unicorn. She said they do exist and that I'm worthy of one.
Now to grow to believe that. I'm afraid to believe it because what if I am disappointed. Again.
I really need to find that deep place of peace inside of me again. I'm treading water in stormy seas and I need some peace and calm for a bit. I'm not sure where to find it. It's hard to take solace in a place that suddenly feels very temporary (my home). I'm finding I'm already detaching from it so it doesn't hurt so badly when I move out of it. This would be move #30+ for me. I'm not a fan.
