Devastated Husband; Need Advice...Part 2

[TLEE86]

Hey Z, thanks for the check-in. I really identify with a lot of stuff you wrote, so please don't ever hesitate to write what you think, always helps with a outside point of view.

Question - is there any possible way you can invite her to dinner, out for drinks, and have a heart to heart? Like your DB coach said, to stay with her feelings and validate them w/o talk of your R/M or financial boundaries? And after there is a connection, leave it at that for a while and continue with your GAL until she initiates anything else?

The sitch between me and my H rapidly changed, I believe because I was able to do this over one weekend of constant contact when I stayed with him

Unfortunately, this is very difficult. If you recall we're in 2 different states right now, Im in Texas, she's in TN. The last time I saw her was mid December, where we did have a heart to heart over dinner and she broke down on my throughout the night about how everything was so different and she's not sure she's making the right choices. IMO, this was also a turning point because since then, its been pretty non-stop, regular phone calls and communication. But its difficult to get her to "work up the courage" for lack of better words to fly out and see each other.

My strategy that finally started turning this thing around was to emotionally pursue hard (face to face - NOT text or email), and show him that his feelings and needs mattered to me and he could speak openly about it(regardless of our current condition, not a word about it or future - just talk of the past focused around his experience). Just to accept where we were. To validate, like your DB coach said.

This is what my DB coach said as well, and is my 180. Now that she's opened up the door to communication it gives me easy access to validate her, and "puruse" though I don't like that word, her emotionally. More, just, show her that her feelings mattered like you said, instead of the routine "uh huh, uh huh while nodding my head"

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Something that's been on my mind lately is that W has been talking about being alone, and even today on the phone she's telling me that she "longs for the feeling of home" and always finds these things to decorate the house with but never buys it because she's in a temporary place...so I wonder if all these phone calls and texts and feelings of loneliness are her missing ME and our dogs or, if she's just missing that comfortable environment where she can just be herself. I did post some pictures of the new house on FB yesterday, and W kept saying how everything is different and its weird seeing pictures of the house she picked out but she's not living in. She was telling me today that she actually cleans up her messes now at this guys apartment not because she really wants to, but feels like she's a guest there and nothing is really hers, so she feels obligated to do these things, comparing it as if she were staying at her dads house...

We've been joking a lot about things and stuff from our past which is new, so its nice to reminisce on old memories.

in the mean time, I'm just going to stick to my goal of another 90 days, so April, and re-evaluate before changing anything. Plans for today? Workout, take the dogs out, and finish unpacking the house and decorating it...usually my decorating consists of throwing up a few pictures on the wall without measuring anything so...maybe ill actually take the time to get it right on the first try...the whole "measure never, cut first always" doesn't really pan out. Oh, hey, plus one for the WAW, she's actually asked about my day a few times now.