Question - is there any possible way you can invite her to dinner, out for drinks, and have a heart to heart? Like your DB coach said, to stay with her feelings and validate them w/o talk of your R/M or financial boundaries? And after there is a connection, leave it at that for a while and continue with your GAL until she initiates anything else?
The sitch between me and my H rapidly changed, I believe because I was able to do this over one weekend of constant contact when I stayed with him (thanks to his friend for getting us in the same room and opening that door), then a longer telephone call when HE brought 'us' up a week later, and it opened the way for him to suggest he might come home. So far he hasn't left. And it was like they say - for the first four days, he spoke in negatives and fear.
My H also assumed he was something of a trophy to me. Not that I'm not pretty hot myself, (jk) but he would constantly say he was an accessory in my life, his feelings and desires didn't matter. It's not that they didn't, but there is truth there because I was so domineering with my own. And mothering, in the way that I colored in any spots I considered to be blank and he went along with it. By the time he reached that point of anger...you know the story.
I don't have the OP sitch that you do. Sort of - there's an ex that is in the picture and my gut is she's got other motives even if he doesn't. But I can tell you that playing heavily on the GAL, limited contact thing just reinforced his idea that he didn't matter all that much to me, I was headstrong and fine without him, and he'd made the right choice. After all, I was detached the entire last year, so nothing really changed as I went along happily without him - that was my first strategy. In fact, he never initiated contact the way your W is with you. He was Done, and would respond courteously to my contact about bills and that was all. We were at least pleasant with each other and so I tried a big heart felt letter, come back home, let's try to work this out - HUGE backfire. No go there.
My strategy that finally started turning this thing around was to emotionally pursue hard (face to face - NOT text or email), and show him that his feelings and needs mattered to me and he could speak openly about it(regardless of our current condition, not a word about it or future - just talk of the past focused around his experience). Just to accept where we were. To validate, like your DB coach said. To recognize over and over again I hurt him and was willing to understand more about why. And NOT to pursue in all other ways Michelle says push them away - no begging, pleading, chasing to come back to our R, M, or talk of my gripes. To show him I was calm and prepared to move on, without ever actually talking about it. To show him love in action and let the seeds of hope plant themselves.
I realize I am new here and hesitate in sharing this as advice, it's rarely one size fits well. And who knows what is in store for me next week. But thought it may be a helpful perspective. Hugs to you.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
