Yesterday was the Super Bowl. One of the activities that STBX and I truly enjoyed together was watching football (I always fried chicken for the big game and we did a lot of snuggling). It's one of the few times since BD that I've really let myself miss him as a person.
On the one hand the rational side of my brain says "He cheated on you with multiple partners for years, left you in a way that was particularly hurtful, cowardly and disrespectful, and then sued you for divorce - truly once you get past the pain you will be better off without him". Then the emotional side of my brain thinks about the losses: the loss of our connection, the loss of our friendship, the loss of a family unit, the loss of our history and I start to think that this Divorce is tragic.
Then my rational brain says - "You should leave the door open to reconciliation, which would still be better for everyone. Focus on you, focus on the kids. Don't get entangled with anyone else". And the emotional side retorts with "Even in the extremely unlikely event that he decided he wanted his family back - how would that ever work? How could you ever trust him again (for that matter how will you trust anyone again)? How could you ever move forward with him after all he has done? It's just not possible.
I know this post is rambling. Maybe it's the Super Bowl, maybe its the fact that I got my first "Child Support" check from him this week. I dunno.
I'm a "move forward " kind of person. I know I should probable just focus on the facts of "what is" rather than hypotheticals.
