Raliced - No. 5

[Ahoy]

Hi raliced (and bdub), I too am ready for the next chapter. My H texted today to ask for copies of tax returns that I gave him THREE MONTHS AGO. Then he wanted to have a long, drawn out conversation about the division of assets, more parenting days, etc. I said I'd be happy to give him some more days with our daughter, and he'd have to ask his L to explain the child support calculation. Now he is balking about taking over the house. It will be a huge pain to sell it, but I really don't care anymore. Whatever it takes to be done with this man, I am ready to do it.

I am still following DB principles, but they are truly for my own benefit at this point. I know many of you here feel the same way, and we have evolved to this point over the course of many months. You are all mighty and wonderful and deserve greatness.

[raliced]

I'm in a reflective place today.

Yesterday was the Super Bowl. One of the activities that STBX and I truly enjoyed together was watching football (I always fried chicken for the big game and we did a lot of snuggling). It's one of the few times since BD that I've really let myself miss him as a person.

On the one hand the rational side of my brain says "He cheated on you with multiple partners for years, left you in a way that was particularly hurtful, cowardly and disrespectful, and then sued you for divorce - truly once you get past the pain you will be better off without him". Then the emotional side of my brain thinks about the losses: the loss of our connection, the loss of our friendship, the loss of a family unit, the loss of our history and I start to think that this Divorce is tragic.

Then my rational brain says - "You should leave the door open to reconciliation, which would still be better for everyone. Focus on you, focus on the kids. Don't get entangled with anyone else". And the emotional side retorts with "Even in the extremely unlikely event that he decided he wanted his family back - how would that ever work? How could you ever trust him again (for that matter how will you trust anyone again)? How could you ever move forward with him after all he has done? It's just not possible.

I know this post is rambling. Maybe it's the Super Bowl, maybe its the fact that I got my first "Child Support" check from him this week. I dunno.

I'm a "move forward " kind of person. I know I should probable just focus on the facts of "what is" rather than hypotheticals.

[Ahoy]

Yes, just focus on what is. It's hard not to try to anticipate the future, I know. And it's hard not to miss the illusion of who we thought our H's were. But there are plenty of men out there who would love to eat your fried chicken and snuggle while watching football -- if and when you are ready for that in your life again.

[Shakspr]

raliced

You remind me of me. You are in an assessment phase, so I'll try to help as much as you did:

" It's one of the few times since BD that I've really let myself miss him as a person."

Accept this for what it is, but don't wallow. We loved our spouses for a long time, and it wasn't all bad or we would not have married them. I had a moment like this while I was coming out of anesthesia...granted, drugs were a factor, but I remember the moment with utter clarity. We miss sharing and intimacy even when everything else is gone.

"the losses: the loss of our connection, the loss of our friendship, the loss of a family unit, the loss of our history and I start to think that this Divorce is tragic."

This has been a central part of my pain. Loss is probably the emotion post-D (often coupled with various forms of regret) - that lasts longest. You will soon allow yourself to count the gains. Over time, they will pass the losses, and your life will be much richer. You can't make this happen, it will just come. You will stop feeling guilty for feeling good.

"leave the door open to reconciliation, which would still be better for everyone. Focus on you, focus on the kids. Don't get entangled with anyone else"

Absolutely leave the door open as long as you want. Or close it. That is a decision which is 100% in your power. Do focus on the joys in your life. Here's my only real bit of advice/philosophy outside DB as you look to the future. Hope for a new/better relationship someday is healthy! But, I will not engage in another relationship until I feel I have as much to give and as much to offer as I am looking for in return. Since I DO NOT yet feel whole, it will be quite a while yet. I suspect about 1 1/2 to 3 years, just because I have looked back on my life and that's how long other large traumas have taken to recover from.

Chin up, you. Just because the Seahawks lost on Sunday doesn't change the fact that they had an amazing season.

[raliced]

Shakespr-

Thanks for checking in on me. I feel in a more positive place today - my pensive moods usually don't linger too long. I even finally cleaned up from the Super Bowl party last night We're a young team - I look forward to more Super Bowls in our future!

I think these moods are actually pretty healthy for me. I'm so relentless about trying to make the best of things that I don't always give myself permission or time to grieve and I know it's important to do so.

Hope for a new/better relationship someday is healthy! But, I will not engage in another relationship until I feel I have as much to give and as much to offer as I am looking for in return. Since I DO NOT yet feel whole, it will be quite a while yet. I suspect about 1 1/2 to 3 years, just because I have looked back on my life and that's how long other large traumas have taken to recover from.

I have no intention of dating. I am after all still married, and like you, I realize that I am not in a healthy place to be in a relationship. Additionally, I guess I'm a little numb and for whatever reason I feel a little repelled at the thought. I suddenly seem to be getting unwelcome attention from people who know my situation, and even though I appreciate the reinforcement that most of the world still considers me an attractive woman, I find it all a little off-putting. There's the leering dad at daycare (who appears to have children from different mothers there) and the bank manager who helped me "un-joint" my accounts, etc. - Male attention just all seems a little creepy and potentially predatory at the moment.

Anyway- I hope you will continue to check in here and there. You are in the midst of facing one of my greatest fears - which is a new step parent for the kids and I will be interested to see how you navigate that and all it entails. I have no idea what STBX's plans are in regard to the live-in girlfriend, but given how aggressively he pursued the divorce, I have to think she's putting some pressure on him.

[zew]

How could you ever trust him again (for that matter how will you trust anyone again)?

Raliced, this thought crosses my mind as well, and when it does, I remind myself of what trust is. Trust comes from observing a consistent response to a given stimulus. Simple as that. You will trust again. Even in lesser matters, your H will, over time, give a consistent response, (good or bad) and you will learn to trust that.

In other words, you will learn to expect a response to any given situation. It may sound a little Pavlovian. It also reminds me that we are told not to have expectations, and yet, that's all that trust is. Just goes to show how fragile it is.

How could you ever move forward with him after all he has done? It's just not possible.

I'll be honest here - each time I ask myself this, I am less sure of the answer. But I'm also OK with that. I am raising the bar on what it takes to get with Zew. How could I ever move forward with W? She'd have to bring her best game, that's how. And although I haven't seen it lately, as I recall, W had pretty good game, so I can't rule out the possibility, even as I watch the probability diminish. Open mind costs nothing.

When is DC? I still want to hear how that goes.

[raliced]

Zew - The Divorce Care group starts the last week of February "one town over" over from me - so if its a bust with bitter people I won't run into them on a day to day basis.

I'm interested in your take on trust. Are trust and security the same thing? I wonder. For me trust is the end result of a being in a place of security and confidence. I see what you're saying about consistent responses over time, but, for instance I can see being totally neurotic about any future partner's texting and phone calls, regardless of how well they might behave. I know I have a choice in this, but I worry that a casualty of this whole fiasco will be the affable, easy going Raliced.

[raliced]

I've been fighting a cold the last couple of days and it finally seems to have overtaken me. Not looking forward to the weekend - as it is supposed to rain the whole time and I will have to keep the girls busy indoors the whole time while sick. Ugh.

Saw STBX last night as he dropped off girls. He barely acknowledges me when he does this. He was off to some mystery activity that also precluded him from being parent helper in D6's class today.

As the days tick by, I have to say that I come closer and closer to really accepting and being fully present in my new reality. The part that's an open question is how STBX is going to fit into this life. He's the father of my children - but even envisioning him in that capacity is kind of vague. We are certainly no longer partners in raising them and at the moment I don't see any prospect for that changing. I know in the grand scheme of things its pretty early days - but when I see him right now it really hits me that he is a complete stranger. I have no idea what goes on his life other than - he is still gainfully employed, he lives with his 40 year old girlfriend named Lisa, they live in some sort of small house on a ranch where he does extra "chores" to reduce his rent (no idea if Lisa owns the house or ranch or what), he takes the girls one day a week, barely speaks to his family and has become a cowboy. Oh - and his girlfriend has a chihuahua, which I find a little hilarious, given STBX's previous extreme distaste for little dogs.

Is the man I married gone forever? I don't really need him back as a husband, but I'd like to know who I'm dealing with as a father.

[stacey9]

Raliced, I can so relate to what you've written. Isn't it weird how they can become total strangers in such a short time after spending years together. My H doesn't seem to want to engage in any conversation with me, even if its about the kids. He only wants to discuss money matters. I know nothing about his life, I feel as if he is completely finished with any dealings with me because the kids are older. It's as if he's planned it that way. But there's still so much goes on in their lives that he doesn't know about and has no part in.

Hope you feel better soon.

[raliced]

Had a disturbing dream last night.

Dreamt that D3 was sick, had to be taken to the doctor and the OW (who was already married to STBX) insisted on coming along. I found out she changed our pediatrician and D3 called her Mom. Oh yeah - OW was a Miss America contestant (just in the dream- I've never seen her IRL)

Not too hard to read into that one and see what I am worried about.

Oh- and weirdly STBX in the dream was not my acutal STBX but the first serious boyfriend I had in my early 20s.

Weird.

Have completely lost my voice and am unable to sing in choir this morning. Bummer.