Susana (2) - Learning to detach

[susana4]

Hi Susana, sorry you're feeling low. Please try not to feel hopeless - it is early days - and often these 1 week per year etc measures aren't that helpful - because they raise expectations. Have a look at the stockdale paradox stuff on this. But we all feel hopeless at times - we're only human and boy, it's a tough situation!

The thing that always drives me on is that I made my marriage vows earnestly. And here we are at 'for worse' and I'm not bailing out just yet. I really want to feel that I did all I possibly was able to do before giving up on our M>

For me, dropping the rope (back in Oct) meant accepting the situation and stopping the active pursuit of reconciliation with H. I stopped making contact, initiating talks, asking questions and generally being the one pulling out all the stops to try and get us back together.

At that point, my focus shifted more from him to me....and I set him 'free' to travel his path and I mine. Whether they converge at some point in the future again....well, we'll see

Thanks Toots. This really resonated with me:
I really want to feel that I did all I possibly was able to do before giving up on our M> - This is exactly why I read DR, why I started DB-ing and got a DB coach and why I came to this site. At the end of the day, I want to know I gave it my all. Just need to keep this in mind. Thank you.

I guess part of what I'm struggling with is faith vs. detachment... How to detach and drop the rope, without giving up faith?

I think I'm just coming to realise (and letting it finally sink in) that I'm on a journey, and so is H, and I really don't have a part in his current journey. Much as I want to help him, this is a path he's chosen to (or needs to?) go alone.

I think right after BD if he said he wanted to reconcile I would have said yes, immediately, no questions asked. Now I'm just realising that I wouldn't say yes, unless we both had done or were doing the work.

I do honestly believe if we both do the work, we can meet again (like in H's "vision" of our future he shared with me at the therapist's office, where we took separate paths - literally - and met again). We fell in love once and I don't think you ever really lose that loving feeling. It's all a question of timing, and whether we both manage to do the work.

And of forgiveness, which I still need to work on.