You got good advice here. The "YOU" part of everything is what gets to me too. When it comes to the point that someone says: it's you and only you that can decide when to stop, when you had enough, then I have a lot of doubts.
I ended up reading DB and DR a lot of times, over and over, and it's getting to me that I need to let go on the crazy thinking about H all the time.
It's very hard, and there are days I just can't do it. But it's necessary even if you have a chance to start a new R with him. You need to cleanse your soul, your thoughts.
Why we need to get very busy? Because being busy not only keeps you not thinking too much about your sitch, it also enrich yourself as a person. It gives you new horizons to look for. At first it feels really hard, then you push yourself because you know you must do it in order to get better, then as you do it things start getting easier and you will find that you can have some fun, relax, enjoy at least for the moment being.
Your H, M/R are very important, but it's YOU that is the most important of all. At the end of the line, you have only you. Don't give up on your M, keep it in a sacred place somewhere inside you, sleeping away for awhile. Be open for new stuff, think of things you always want to do. Plan a vacation, hang with friends.
You see, I am not saying you need to look for a new guy, a new R. All what I am saying is that you need to take control over your own life and feelings. Take control over your practical life, do the things you need to do to protect your finances. Go to work, pay your bills, house work, etc. And take good care of your emotional side, go to your IC frequently, have your doctor's appointments, meet your friends very often if not everyday, explore what is available in your area regarding to volunteering, do some good to someone else, help others, go dancing, buy a pair of clothing, or jewelry, exercise very often or every day so those happy chemicals start helping you, take some anti-depressant if necessary... bottom line, try to avoid being alone.
Surround yourself with people, it will help bit time.
I know it is hard, I am doing it myself. It's the worse crap I had in my whole life. It hurts deeply and you just want the other person to snap back into reality, but they don't. And they won't in our time frame.
Always remember that your H is under his parents influence now and they are not let go until they see that you backed off. So, if you give it some break, they will back off and your H will be able to think for himself.
If you try to control and whatever, that will be doing the same. Where are your 180s?, what are your goals, timeline and how you will get there?
The question of letting go: the answer is that it happen, you will know when you don't want anymore, when you are done and just want all this to be in the past. It's not something you can determined. It is something that happen inside you, a switch happen and you don't even know why. One day you wake up and you start feeling that there is no more intense pain, that you don't think too much about it anymore. This is what happen, the candle just goes off.
Don't try to stop yourself from feeling what you feel, don't put a date thinking that your love has expiration, don't think that you need to forget because this or that. Just let it happen. One thing is for sure, it just happen. And you will know it happen. Until then, work on yourself, change some things you don't like about yourself, enjoy the things you like. Give yourself this time to live your own life.
I hope you find some peace inside you. I have finally understood most of the DBing process only now. And yes, I have been trying my best to give myself a chance to dream again, to have some moments of fun, some small victories that have been improving to bigger ones. It's a process and it's not easy.
