Susana (2) - Learning to detach

[susana4]

I'm having a really bad morning/few days and I don't really know why.

[venting session coming in 1...2...3...]

Nothing has happened or changed, externally.

H and I had a really nice conversation and a good laugh last night when he got home from his weekend at his parents.

Suppose I'm just starting to feel hopeless more than anything. And angry. Very, very angry.

I know that I'm not that far in (just 2 months since BD), but we haven't been married/together that long and i remember reading a good rule of thumb is one month per year spent together to replace negative thinking/habits (which would be 2.5 months for me, and I've been DBing since beginning of Jan).

We are still living together but I don't expect we will for that much longer, as soon as I get my job sorted out (which could be any time in the next 4-12 weeks) we'll move out (we're renting).

Once we're separated I think that's it for me, I know lots of people get back together after separating (or even after divorce) but I don't think we'll see each other (no kids, no reason to) and I'm not sure I want to.

H says he still wants to be best friends and hang out loads and I just don't want to. I don't think I can be friends with someone who gives up their commitments that easily, who doesn't fight for their M. I've lost so much respect for him, and I feel he's disrespected me and our M.

I feel, emotionally, like I'm back in the place I was post-BD and I don't get why. I was feeling better in the weeks after I started DB-ing and now I just feel like I've fallen back into a very dark place. Again, I can't sleep, I have nightmares, I can't eat...

I remember reading a few places on these boards that this happens either because something was lacking in the relationship, or in the spouse. I'm really beginning to think it's in him.

I know DB-ing is about digging deep in yourself and self-improvement. And I'm not saying I don't have areas of improvement; there are things I recognise that I want to and do plan to work on.

But I think ultimately this is his problem, and no matter how much I work on my problems I just don't think it will change the dynamics of the M. Because the ultimate problem (according to him) is that he is so scared of conflict he never has, and never will, raise any issues that are bothering him or disagree in any way. He just goes along with everything, and builds resentment over time. And I can't have any influence over that. I can't even work out problem areas and do 180s, if I don't know what was bothering him other than guesswork.

I never even had a chance to make any changes.