Devastated Husband; Need Advice...Part 2

[TLEE86]

T2, URWorthy-thank you both. You guys always seem to come through when I'm in a shitty mood. I appreciate your thoughts.

[quote]You are getting positive change...Just keep an eye on the pursual aspect on your end. Have you read the thread on the distancer/pursuer dance?

Risk at the wrong time is.... ?

Yes I have T2. And I am very cognizant (wow big word) of NOT pursuing her. Ironically she is now the one initiating 90% of all conversations we have, which is daily texts and frequent phone calls. I try not to initiate, and now even today she's texting me at night saying that I've been very quiet lately (It's been 1 day. We just talked on the phone on Friday and we texted yesterday). My initiating with her is just to simply let her know that I care, but I almost always let her be the first one.

Here's the deal. You are too early into this to think that you are going to see any real changes from her. She needs to see consistent changes from you over time to believe they are real.

Got it. This is my impatience setting in. And it gets worse on days where Im in a funk. But I am getting positive change from her. My W is unhappy with herself and her life and is trying to figure it out, asking for my help- something she said she didnt want during BD. I need to give it more time. My 90 day mark is April to re-evaluate and re-think strategy.

I will tell you that if you do the work, you will not regret you did. If you make the changes you need to, if you become who you were meant to be, you wont.

I have two questions for you Do you love your wife? Is she worth you fighting for her?

1. YES I love my W. I told her that everyday, multiple times a day before we separated. YES. She is worth fighting for. Which is why I refuse to give up. And when I feel like I am close to it, I come here and you guys straighten me out. This is why I am doing the work. Because no matter what happens, I will know I gave it my all and could not have done anything different to save myself and my M.

The whole being too nice thing. Thats an individual choice, too.

In my opinion should you always be available? No. Because you are too busy GAL, right?

So, you dont have to always answer the phone. You dont have to answer every text right away.

It is a choice. I am being nice. I am being the person she fell in love with. The one that listened to her talk for 6 hours on our first date, validated her, never told her that her million good ideas a day were stupid. This is part of my 180. To just STFU, don't give advice unless asked, and then just LISTEN.

I am not as available as everyone thinks. Because of work, I have missed almost every one of her phone calls in the past month, but always call her back. I will say, that DB Coach told me to not call her back once and just see what happens. Why, Idk, but ill try it. And as I mentioned above, its been 1 day with "little contact," not none, we were on the phone friday and texted a little yesterday, but my W is telling me that I've been very quiet lately. Its been 1 day. But I agree, I can probably be even more mysterious and just pull back just a touch.

Again, thanks T2 and URWorthy. You always give great insight into things. BTW, URworthy, I cant seem to find your sitch. Can you point me in the right direction? thanks!