How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave

[sandi2]

Hello Sandi. Thank you for your thoughts. I believe you would say I'm being ridiculous and there nothing else I can do at this point except move away from her. I can't be the one who listens to her right now. I can't allow her to lean on me emotionally.

No, not exactly. This what you said:

Quote:
I guess by cutting her off so extremely, I'm showing her what she expected... that I don't love her and think little of her. She wants someone of high value to value her and hear her.

What I see in this statement is HP blaming and putting himself down, while making excuses for her. IMHO, that is a backslide when your thoughts start going back there. You are still having a lot of trouble balancing. You go too far when you are thinking of "keeping the road paved smoothly" and then turn and go too far the other direction when you are thinking of "boundaries and detaching" I don't like to hear that you are showing her what she expected.......which, according to you, would be that you don't love her or value her. I am going to say something that you won't like to hear b/c she is still your W and the mother of your child. If you could look at her objectively and without your attachment, you would see her as an adulteress and a liar, who has selfishly broken her home b/c she would not end her wayward lifestyle. She makes choices that constantly puts her son on the back burner and keeps him upset. She totally disrespects and takes advantage of you, not to mention her threats and manipulation. You have said as much yourself, but b/c you have feelings for her it probably angers you for another person to say it. That's totally normal and I mean no disrespect toward you, HP, and please do not be offended by my attempt to get you to understand what I want you to see. How do you love and value this kind of person? Yet you get down on yourself b/c you have a problem with it? I think you love who and what she use to be, and you are hoping she will find that person again. (I really hope she does, too. And I believe it "is" possible.)

It may sound that I am contradicting what someone else may have told you. However, I am of the belief that a person has to have a value system they live by, before they can expect others to actually show them they are valued. Do you see what I mean? I have no doubt she wants you to give her top priority, letting her chew your ears off and monopolizing your time while you are always reassuring her how valuable she is. I just don't happen to believe that is what you need to do at this point & time. I don't believe it works with a wayward.

For the record, I am not saying to turn your back on her. However, on second thought, perhaps that is how you may interpret it if you were truly detached from her and stopped her game playing.

Even so, sometimes I want to reach out to her and just talk. Every contact she makes she asks to talk. She gives me opportunities to talk everyday. She still complains I don't answer the phone even after I've told her I won't.

As I recall, that describes the biggest part of how the MR went every evening at home. You both engaged in conversation. She not only has a need for it, but DEMANDS it from you. She has begged, pouted, insisted, and got very angry over wanting you to talk with her (which in reality means she wants you to listen to her talk). Of course you miss talking with her. That was all that was going on in the MR. You are lonely and suffering for adult company, and you miss having a family with her. More reason to GAL and be around other adults. I know it doesn't replace what you desire for your M, but I think it would help you stay a little more balanced in these areas.

I understand Sandi. When my W is happy she is a wonderful and caring person. Over the years she has shown herself to be high strung and anxious and she stresses about not having enough money. The life she wants a man to give her now is low on all those things

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She may get better, or she may continue to get worse. Most of us are wonderful people when we are happy. However, I direct you back to what I said in my previous post. Are you wanting (and missing) the woman she use to be, or the woman she currently is? That point is why you need to stay balanced and objective in your thinking/actions.

She won't give me what I deserve right now. Maybe she never will no matter how I treat her now.

Very true, however, it is YOUR choice how to deal with this stitch. IMO, you can detach and have a life without her ruling every aspect of it. Frankly, I don't know if there is hope for her or for the M to survive, b/c she had several of these tendencies before getting involved with OM. I still go back to what I have said in the past, that you have to save yourself before saving the M. How you do it is your choice. We are here to help, if we can. That is what I am trying to point out so you will find your balance in all of this.

You say your firm boundaries suck. Actually HP, you need to have tougher ones. Not to be mean to her, but to get control of your life. No, you don't like having to refuse things and/or hear her cry. (Not to be hateful, but sometimes it seems she cries whenever backed into a corner or she can't come back with an answer.). So about boundaries, you can stop her from threatening to call the police or get a lawyer, etc. You surely aren't worried if she did! In most cases, if you tell the person to do whatever they think is best.......or to have at it, they cool their heels pretty quickly. She knows she doesn't have a leg to stand on! She is trying to bully you.

So, after the latest episode, what type of boundary do you need? A court appointed child visitation schedule? A legal separation? She's still abusing the joint account, why haven't you closed all joint accounts and bills? Set the tuition up to billed separately. Don't cover for her, and let her deal with those she owes. How does it work for "you" to say you don't have the money this month? Why are you sharing a storage facility? (Which probably is not that serious, except she takes advantage in every way she can.). She rules your life b/c you allow it. You can stop when you've had enough, but it won't be pleasant at first. She is in a power struggle with you, and she's winning. How? B/c of not firmer boundaries. Therefore, she will not respect you as long as she can control you.

When she learns she cannot bully you, and she begins to respect you and gets her sh't together, THEN the M will stand a chance.