barely holding on - 7

[u-turn]

I feel like I've had a major backslide from my detachment and position this weekend and I don't know how to recover except to move right back into MY in-house separation.

Yesterday I had a conversation with W and I told her that I didn't want this. I don't want to be silent. I know it is selfish, but I don't want to be demoted to buddy. I want it all. this made her cry. I told her that she has not let me in to allow me to show or prove any love.

Later she said that threw her for a loop. She said she was scared that I cannot love her any more. She said she now realizes that is true, she has blocked me out.

I don't know what to do with this, she isn't saying that this won't continue this way and she's not saying that she is ending the A (she doesn't talk about that at all).

I think I need to push back with my statement of knowing what is going on with them.

We did end up spending the day together and at first I didn't want it but the day was good. We went to the kids swim meet. Went to dinner with W because we needed to eat. She was nice to me and I was friendly to her. We ran into some friends. I had a good time, showed that I can be a fun, social, and interesting person.

I had a little too much to drink (probably) and when we came home she slept in bed with me for a while (left sometime during the night). But I knew I had said things in bed. She said that I told her that I love her and held her. I remember crying.

Today she is still being very nice to me. This puts me right back into the buddy zone again I think. and this is not what I want. My detachment is gone again.

I want to ask her what happens now. How does Monday morning look again when she goes to work with him?