Part 11 - contents may be different than

[edz]

Hi all

Been another long day with lots more than I can journal here.

Thanks v and rd, will get into more talked over with w today in a bit but yes before I spoke to w I asked him if I should talk to mummy and he did want me to. There were bits he spoke to me about he just wanted to talk to me about and those I've kept to myself I've therefore not brought them here in case w does happen across it not mine to tell s will tell w or ask me to.

S's ll is gifts and acts of service v as well as my time lots and lots and yes tons of hugs. S is like me and very emotionally sensitive.

Yesterday in the car was pretty much what you describe v, s turned the radio off and said to me he thought it wasnt appropriate while we are talking (he's 10 remember).

So today...

W arrived as s was sitting down to breakfast so made her a coffee and toast and we just chatted. On the way out we dropped by the shops so w could pick up an order that was waiting for her. We had some good fun in the car even when we got stuck in a 45 minute traffic jam when a caravan had fallen over and again in roadworks. Some really good opportunities for showing my r with s and those of you who've had 10 year olds in the car on a road trip know how those go. We had no rows lots of laughs music and fun.

Once we got there let w and s out while I found a space and then caught up with them. We had a good wonder around w got a load of bits and I picked up some bits I wanted bar a desk as I can't get that in the car with passengers. Set my PMA and attitude today to be fun with s fun with w but make it clear I didn't behave as her h today just someone out with her no r talk etc.

S was hungry as we all were at the end of the shop so we headed to mcdonalds w bought lunch and somehow we fell into a very brief chat on s and touching on r I said Im just carrying on but haven't ruled anything out. S rejoined us and we had more fun and then more of the same jokes and fun on the way back.

W and s came back here (car was left here) and they came in poured w a glass of wine and s wanted to watch youtube on his phone (w's old one with no sim but WiFi) so headed off to his room and put heating on as w was cold we ended up talking sitting on the sofa with a throw on our knees.

We talked a lot about quite a few bits that had popped up before bd, I tried to keep PMA and not drop into pursuit, stuck with my position that I dont want the marriage to end but I can't do much if thats what she wants to do and she needs to work out what's going to make her happy while I do the same, meantime we focus on s. She said she worries she's going to be the bad guy in all this insofar as s, I asked has she spoken to s about it but she said he hasn't really opened up on anything I said if she's worried about being the bad guy thats her solution if she leaves it then since s is less than three years to being a teenager (in years less in maturity) it may well be harder to sort later.

Conversation moved into where we are right now and what happens next. I did not want to delve into it too deep, I think its clear to her I dont want to d (although I'm becoming less sure as time goes on but today we just felt right no stress fun as a family and we had some good laughs and talk chilling out in the lounge) w did say well you wouldn't excumunicate me would you... Had to pause here.

I've said to w that if we split further with a view to d (clearly there's the "thing" which hasn't been raised by w, it may have been moved past or being considered I dont know so I can't figure it in or I'll go down a tunnel again) then I can friendly coparent but thats it, w doesn't like this, really doesn't like this but immediately thats all I can offer I can't be best friends like we've been for 16 years and get d I wouldn't be able to move on. This isn't an ultimatum its my boundary for me. She understands that I think but she doesn't like it thats clear.

Ultimately I didn't expect any answers today or with any timescale but we touched back on our conversation from September. Tried to balance being happy, positive with warm, validation and keeping STFU in mind.

We also spoke about s and his he. W seems happy for me to start becoming more involved. We talked about weekends as well that sometimes may be nice if s sees me at times in the week so she can have the odd weekend as she has him then gets down time at the weekend but is on her own.

This is the crux of her and s, she's committed 100% of her time to s and nothing else. Remind anyone of anything? Yup as I've posted she's massively codependent. I can't tell her that or what to do but did say its also an opportunity for her to look into the things shed like to do like learn some computer things herself. I didn't let Mr fixit out he wanted to come out but I was afraid I wouldn't get him back in the box.

There was lots more talk on her friends (some seem to have drifted off of late) her mum has an offer on the flat and lots else.

Found it all a little overwhelming tbh. Found myself split that I didn't want her to go, we were all comfortable s in his room w and I on sofa all warm lots of fun. But equally there's so much confusion in w's relation with me she seems to want to be at her place without me or anyone else so she says but not be on her own to be best friends with me and keep our over a decade relationship but not in m although there's also no intention to d that she's discussed. Arghhhhhh.

Anyhoo she headed off will be in touch in the week as I may be heading up to my dads to pick up some chairs and w said why not take s with me in the evening. V happy about the way shes seeing s and I have a very different relationship but sad at her confusion on what she wants and how she wants to get there. It all seems full of contradiction and confusion.

It was a veey good day, we had a lot of fun I think Im left feeling confused as it was so close to one of our good old days (before a lot of issues started).

Hmmmm...a lot to ponder.