As I reflect on all of these recent posts, the song "Masterpiece" by Jessie J just came on my playlist... and I just have to share the lyrics here for all of my fellow LBSs who are working hard on themselves:
"...I still fall on my face sometimes And I can't color inside the lines 'Cause I'm perfectly incomplete I'm still working on my masterpiece And I, I wanna hang with the greats Got a way to go, but it's worth the wait No, you haven't seen the best of me I'm still working on my masterpiece..."
Yeah -- that's pretty much how I feel right now :-)
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
"When all you got to keep is strong Move along, move along like I know ya do And even when your hope is gone Move along, move along just to make it through"
Keep moving Jer.
Quote:
Thanks for those reminders. I completely expect her to come home in full Monster mode -- or spinning like the Tasmanian Devil...
Yeah? Well stop. Expect neither good nor bad. That's stress you got enough. Expecting bad means your preparing for it and it tempers your own actions and responses in a setting.
Quote:
I do know that she is noticing my 180s, but her response so far is "why now and not years ago?"
How do you respond?
What do you say if anything to this?
and BTW...we all (those who make 180's) hear this. Its justification in their minds to keep pulling away.
My response had been:
"Well I'm doing it now, I should have done it long ago. It took what going on to re-find myself. (yes re-find is not a word) Is it a trap? Yes and no. I'd like you to notice, but I'm not doing this for you, I'm doing this for me."
When/if she ever says too little too late.
Agree with her. It should have been more. She is right.
We all, all of us here made the mistake of taking our spouses for granted. So did she. We all should have been treating our spouses like we did on our wedding day every day should have been an opportunity to show or remind them of why they loved us...and we all fell down. We all sort of just stopped doing that.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
and BTW...we all (those who make 180's) hear this. Its justification in their minds to keep pulling away.
My response had been:
"Well I'm doing it now, I should have done it long ago. It took what going on to re-find myself. (yes re-find is not a word) Is it a trap? Yes and no. I'd like you to notice, but I'm not doing this for you, I'm doing this for me."
When/if she ever says too little too late.
Agree with her. It should have been more. She is right.
We all, all of us here made the mistake of taking our spouses for granted. So did she. We all should have been treating our spouses like we did on our wedding day every day should have been an opportunity to show or remind them of why they loved us...and we all fell down. We all sort of just stopped doing that.
My response has been similar to yours -- just in slightly different words. But I've definitely told her that I am doing everything right now for myself and for the kids.
I completely own the fact that I've fallen down and taken her for granted at times. But -- in many ways she took me for granted as well -- we are both at fault for doing that. Doesn't make either of us right or wrong -- just makes us human. The difference is, despite being human and not always being the spouse I could be, I never gave up on us. I assumed she would never give up on us either, but I also never imagined she would have an MLC. But she did and now we have the mess that we have in our lives.
All I can do now -- work on myself so I can be the person I need to be for me and for my kids. All of us (me and the kids) deserve nothing less than my best right now. :-)
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Just got home from a fantastic evening with my best friends... They are just an incredible group of people and their friendship to me is priceless.
Doing pretty good this evening... This really has been a good week without her -- or at least this version of her -- around the house.
So many of my friends continue to express shock over what has happened... I've heard so many times "What?! How?! You two were so good together! I thought you two had the perfect relationship/family... how could/did this happen?"
Good question...
Not sure if I will ever know the real answer to that, but what I do know right now is that in spite of this disaster I AM going to be okay. There is just no other option. :-)
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Ugh... Was doing fine until last night/this morning... Had odd dreams last night then woke up with a scratchy throat. Got kids off to school then crawled back in to bed to get a little more rest -- but while sleeping had more odd dreams including one really confusing one about W coming home from her trip and giving me mixed signals about what she wanted.
When I woke up I realized that the anxiety is starting to build now that I only have a few days left before she really does come home. Doesn't help that I feel a tiny bit under-the-weather and am not able to get as much done today around the house as I wanted to (in terms of just general housework/chores). So now, despite all of the work I've done on myself (and the meds I am taking), I do feel a bit of depression creeping in today.
Need to find a way to work through this so I can be in the best possible frame of mind when she does come through the door a few days from now. :-(
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
I am sorry that you're feeling under the weather lately. Yep, the anxiety monster is lurking under your bed and he's as ugly as advertised!
A while back, you mentioned boundaries. I've given your sitch some more thought. There's nothing you can do about the OW boundary. However, you can set up a boundary that you will not be treated with disrespect and rudeneess from your W. When your W spews and speaks rudely, put up your hand and say, "W, I will not be spoken to in that manner. It stops right now. If you continue with this disrespectful behavior, I will walk out. I will listen if you are calm and speak respectfully."
When W comes back home, she may walk on a high cloud for a few days and then the monster will come out because she will perceive you as the "obstacle" to her happiness with the OW. You do need to be totally prepared fo this and if need be, walk out of the house for a few hours if W displays unreasonable behaviors.
I am glad to read that you've reached out and doing a lot of activities out of the house. A nice distraction for sure!
I'd been thinking about that particular boundary (disrespect and rudeness) and agree that it is probably the most realistic one at this point in time.
Feeling a bit better -- mentally/emotionally and physically. Still have a slightly scratchy throat, and hoping it doesn't get worse. Was able to get some laundry done and then spent a little time in prayer/meditation -- and this helped a bit with my mood. The anxiety is still there, just below the surface -- and I know I just need to keep doing things that help me work through it.
Just got a couple of new books in the mail that I am really looking forward to reading:
Love as a Way of Life by Gary Chapman Mindset by Carol Dweck
Bought both with the intention of learning strategies and behaviors that will help me in all aspects of life -- most especially in my parenting which really has become my focus over this past week of being home with just my kids and myself.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
I found that boundary ... when provided in a calm "You are not longer allowed to talk to me that way" tone has proven effective, takes a few times as like children they test you to see where the line is .. but it helped create a no-nonsense attitude when we did actually have a discussion about things, and I think in a way is helped me earn some respect by not allowing her to walk all over me.
Fearing the unknown ... I could write a novel on that, its a waste of energy and you know that. What will come will come, you are going to be ok.
...helped me earn some respect by not allowing her to walk all over me.
This is definitely something I need/intend to work on... To no longer allow her to walk all over me. I've always allowed her to have most of the control and most of the voice in decision-making in our life together... Unless it was something I felt very strongly about, in which case I would work to persuade or convince her to consider the alternative. She is very used to me allowing her to do that, so this is one of my 180s -- especially with regard to the discussions related to the specifics and logistics of separation. She has already demonstrated to me that she wants complete control over everything related to separation and she has been so frustrated by my refusal to allow it. Doesn't make those discussions any easier or at all comfortable for me, but I do feel better inside about standing up to her and not allowing her to have complete control...
I don't know yet if this is earning me any respect with her (seems to only be increasing the bitterness and anger towards me), but if I focus on myself then this 180 is really more about change within myself than her reaction to it... And I seem to recall some phrase about change not being comfortable (or "it is outside of our comfort zone where real change and growth occur...")
Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
Fearing the unknown ... I could write a novel on that, its a waste of energy and you know that. What will come will come, you are going to be ok.
Yep. You are right. :-)
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
1. I had so little patience with the kids this morning... I am working so hard to be a better mom, but found myself yelling this morning more than I should have... Just had no patience while trying to get everyone ready for school and off to school... And of course, after the fact I feel overcome with guilt for yelling at them. I know it hurts them and it hurts me -- when time is not a factor I can give myself a "time out" and calm down or just allow them to have natural consequences... But in the mornings, the only natural consequence is being late for school (which means going to the office and getting tardy slips), and being late for school is NOT an option in our family. Trying hard not to beat myself up over this... I know, tomorrow is a new day and I can try to have more patience tomorrow... I had really hoped that doing meditation and prayer time in the mornings, before they get up, would help -- and it does seem to help for a little while in the mornings, but then everything falls apart as soon as one or more of them decide to play or mess around instead of getting dressed... *sigh*
2. I read on another thread yesterday to think of our MLCer as if the spouse we knew and loved is dead so we can grieve that loss. In many ways, I find this very easy to do. The W I knew and loved for nearly 10 years did seem to die 3 months ago. It really does seem like she just disappeared and was replaced by this other person. They don't even look the same -- and I don't mean just different hair styles and new clothes... The look in the eyes and the smiles are different... Behavior is different and values/morals definitely are different... I look at photos of her taken before October and it is often like I am looking at photos of a loved one who has died because it's been so long since I have felt the presence of that person in this home. It's really sad, but in a way thinking of her in that way does help a little bit.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
