Devastated Husband; Need Advice...Part 2

[Zelda09]

UrWorthy - thank you for that amazing post.

[uRworthy]

Isn't part of the point of DB to show you are moving forward and to focus on yourself and to make the WAW feel loss?

Nope, it isnt. The point of Dbing is this...you move forward and focus on you. Sometimes the natural consequences of that is that she feels the loss, but, its not the reason you do it.

Dbing can save us..and sometimes it saves marriages.

I didnt say pull away, I said back away and I feel there is a difference. If you find yourself getting upset about the sitch or your interactions, its ok to take some time to figure stuff out. No one thing is going to make or break this.

I do not want you to think i dont want you to follow the DB coach's suggestions. I think that you can have contact with your w without you feeling like you are being used.

You can be friendly and upbeat and treat her like a good neightbor. Be kind and courteous.

The point of all this is that you may not have time to answer every call because you really are living your life and GALing.

You matter here, T. If you feel like you need a break, take one. Not to punish, not to have her feel the loss, etc. But because it is what you need at this time. The distinction is important.

[MCS]

Tlee,

You got to do what feels right in your sitch. If you think that she feels the M is safe, you're probably right. That's where patience comes in. Dont push her to make a decision one way or another as she's so preoccupied, she would probably respond without thinking it through. However, don't cater to her needs as that's the best of both worlds for her. Go back and read some of Mozza's earlier threads as he had really friendly interactions with W. in the beginning

[TLEE86]

Journaling...

Still in CA for a training exercise, should be heading back in a couple days so I'm pretty excited about it..be nice to sleep at home again and I can't wait to see my dogs! Work has still been crazy but it's keeping me really busy so it's a nice distraction. Should be starting my cooking class on Saturday this coming week so well see how that goes! I guess we're starting with American cuisine basics? Hopefully more than how to boil an egg...

As far as W and I, things are ok. She didn't end up going to the internship (somewhat predicted this) and is unsure what she wants to do...school, work, who knows. She did make a joke the other day about moving to Texas with us to which I just replied "well we'd love to have you here" and changed the subject. She's been calling fairly often lately so it's been nice to just talk. Also found it weird she sent me a couple old pictures of us, our old house and our dogs this morning...not sure why but oh well.

I've found it's a little easier detaching lately. I've only had one maybe two sob sessions since Christmas...and if W doesn't call or text as much sometimes I just leave it alone and don't press her about it or stress too much and just understand she needs to work it out on her own, and like Vanilla said on Edz thread, sometimes they warm up and sometimes they cool down...also understnanding that sometimes when things are quiet, that's when both of us really have time to think about things..

Had dinner with some old friends stationed here in CA tonight, and it made me sad that W wasn't here but it was definitely nice to jut eat pizza an have a couple beers. Unfortunately they got pulled away to work halfway through dinner so we cut it short but...such is the army.

Debating on getting a serious CF or lifting coach sometime in the future. I work out 6 days a week but I'm wondering about getting someone to help make some serious gains. Basically, I wanna get huge....ha. Cooking and serious lifting seem to be the driving force lately, I think I'm gonna go for both.. Anyways sorry this has been all over the place...catch up on all your threads soon when I get back home. Goodnight!

[TLEE86]

So its's been just about 4months since W and I separated, and about 3 months of real DBing. Just doing a quick re-evaluation of where I am at, compared to where I started and evaluating my 180s and Goals for the Week.

Month 1- Lots of pursuing/begging/pleading. Didnt work. W and I had minimal texting
Month 2- Stopped pursuing actions, let W initiate contact. Texting increased
Month 3 and 4- No pursuing actions, letting W initiate ~90% of the contact. W texts daily and calls me regularly to talk about anything and asks for my advice and my opinion on her decisions. Very friendly

180s
- Continue to empathize with her, do not be critical of her (7/10)
I always always always empathize with her, continuing to be sincere in my responses and LISTEN to her

- Support her in everything she does, unless its something retarded like an affair (7/10)
I am listening to her and offering her my opinion when she asks for it. Actually trying to validate and help her by researching things that she is interested in

- NO pursuing; Dial it back and let her initiate more than me (7/10)
W initiates ~90% of texts, 95% of phone calls. Texts me daily and calls me frequently. I am starting to try and reach out to her a little more

- Be EASY GOING; show her I can handle her moods (7/10)
Probably the hardest one, but I am learning that W goes through multiple mood swings just like I do. If she doesn't feel like talking one day, she'll call or text the next day. No issues, detach and just let it ride

-Do NOT bring up the past and good times from it unless SHE does it (6/10)
Lately she has been bringing up some stuff from the past, whether its memories or just things we've seen or sending me pictures of me and her or our old house.

WHAT WORKS

- VALIDATE and EMPATHIZE
- Asking about how HER day went
- Talking about the dog, her job, her future (internship/school), photography, church,
- Being friendly, making her laugh, banter
- Sending funny memes or something while she's at work
- Jokes about the past (but not too much, only if situation applies to now)
- Empathizing with her and what she's going through
- JUST STFU and LISTEN to what she has to say on the phone-just let her talk
Giving advice when she asks for it

WHAT DOESNT WORK

-Texting her right after we get off the phone
-Talk about the future or relationship talks that she doesn't bring up
-Asking her about certain things that she didn't respond to

Overall, I feel like I am doing well. I miss her like crazy and have my moments where I am just simply sucking but I feel like I have come along way from where we used to be 4 months ago and will continue to give my best efforts in DBing. For myself and for my M.

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Not too much change as far as work or anything in general. Work is going very well, still extremely frustrated with the Army but as far as how I am doing, everything is good. Cooking class starts soon so more to follow on that one and also trying to find things to occupy my mind when I am home whether its a new computer game, or watching TV or something, but I am slowly letting things just ride out and it seems to be working, although very VERY slowly. Hopefully this PMA keeps up and doesn't go away. Thanks for reading. Goodnight!

[paul19510]

I really like the way you summaried what's. Been happening. From what you write here it seems to be moving in a positive direction.

[TLEE86]

Ugh. not a good day. I feel like I am being used and W is just all over the place. Her sister FB'd me and told me W is posting all kinds of pictures to OM's FB wall. Nothing of them two, but of him and his kid, his kid and OUR dog, and just [censored] like that. I don't know if I should just tell her that it hurts to see that, and worse when other people are the ones telling me about it because OM clearly blocked me from his FB..

Her sister is saying in her opinion, that W doesn't know what she wants. She wants to be with OM but isn't happy and is continuing to reach out to me. This is of course all mind reading from her sister's POV. But it makes sense. I don't know how W can be texting me all this [censored] and calling me all the time and tells me she's moving out, but then continues to carry on doing all this other crap. Idk what to do. Should I tell her it bothers me she's posting all this crap?

Its been said over and over, but again, W seems to want all the perks of being married without being married. Yet DB coach still advises to be very friendly with W and keep up the contact. IDK. I feel like [censored]

[TLEE86]

Nevermind. Spoke to a friend who told me I'd be an idiot if I confronted her about her FB posts because its not going to do anything for me, but drive her closer to him. I kinda understand what DB coach is trying to get me to do. Be there for W, have her continuously reach out to me, call me, text me, etc etc. Its weird. She calls me and like sneaks phone calls to me. So when she's out of the house or when he's not around she'll call.

So bottom line, Im not going to say anything and just bite my tongue till it bleeds because no good will come of it. Like someone said a while back, I should be happy that W is wanting more and more contact with me.

BUT, for tonight, I won't reply to her texts because quite honestly, I don't want to talk to her.

[Calibri]

I think you're too accessible to her and getting dangerously close to the friend zone.

But really, what the [censored] do I know?

I'd kill to have my h screaming at me right now, because at least I would know he's alive and safe. So, yes in a way you're in a better position than most.

But back to you, eventually you're going to have to decide how much you're going to tolerate before changing strategies.

[TLEE86]

But back to you, eventually you're going to have to decide how much you're going to tolerate before changing strategies.

I struggle with this. Daily.

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Been in a funk lately. Idk why. Just have feelings of hopelessness and its laughable to think that this could work out. Sometimes I can picture it, but most of the time, I just wonder if this is what it is. If I should keep trying, keep driving on.

In spite of everything, I am a better person having gone through this. And its only been 4 months. I don't know how people did this for years. I really admire that.

Idk why its been like this the past few days. I haven't felt this low in a while. And I don't know why. W has been on my mind a lot lately and its not that I try and think about her, just kinda happens. Also been having dreams about her, good and bad, and this hasn't happened in a long long time.

Ugh. I just want this drama to be over. Feels so pathetic to whine and bitch about this. This is not who I am. I think what also doesn't help, is that some of the threads I have been following since I joined here have took a turn in the wrong direction. And I cant help but wonder if Im next. I try and read success stories to keep a PMA but sometimes, [censored] happens. I will say that no matter what happens, we are all giving it our best and are better people because of it. It seems like some people who I think are doing awesome at DBing...in the end, we cant control anything and the sitch's that seem to show the most promise, don't always work out. Its not in our hands. And I don't know how to deal with that.