I'm just utterly gutted right now :(

[Frank75]

Just one comment - DR/DB is intended for us alone. But you have already mentioned it to your W, so you are where you are.[/b] But the thing is I would leave it there. Don't push or mention that any further now - leave it well along. If your W is interested enough, she'll sort herself out with the book and read it...

I was torn about it but i was pretty sure she knew about it ahead of time since we still share an amazon account and she would have seen the orders. The last thing I wanted was to lie about anything

THIS^^ is you trying to control her and the outcome of the situation.

THIS^^ is you having expectations, regardless of what you tell yourself.

THIS^^ is not helping you. The books and the advice here about NOT recommending the books, are said for very good reasons.

You have to start believing that the author has some insight and experience in this area, and accepting that your needs and wants are not unheard of or all that unusual. We get it. Don't pooh pooh it.

In the years I've been here, I've still never advised my h to read the books.

I agree, it's a steep learning curve and i'm trying to identify my behavior that led me to this point and change.

I wish I knew about keeping the books quiet ahead of time, in my few weeks here i didn't see that mentioned anywhere

See above comments re: expectations and controlling outcome, for more of the same. "I just want her to realize"...and "people come back from it and ...." is exactly wanting HER to...blah blah blah

(so, back to YOU)

Frank, "more of the same" is NOT what you need.

I'm really glad you got some meds so that you can refrain from this type of "raised expectation/control the outcome" mindset, and learn to face this as it comes,

trusting that you are indeed strong enough and open enough to learn new things and get new tools. I recall not sleeping well, for weeks, and sort of constantly feeling on the verge of having the flu. So when I got some sleep aids and then anti anxiety meds, the whole circular nature of this (and endlessly asking "WHY??")
& poor sleep, abated.

Just those ^^ two things really helped.

Did you check out EE, or is that what you meant by getting plane tickets? I'm a little unclear.

Finally, keep on keeping on. Soon I hope, your screen name will change and evolve, as you are.

Maybe "I WAS gutted, but now I'm growing" or something new, and or a lot more hopeful...

B/C as you grow from this (and growing from this is kind of the big "silver lining" to this whole ordeal),

you will gain a peace and strength within, that you may not have known for a long time.

That's worth sharing.[/color]

These meds definitely have helped me so much already. I attribute that "good" phone call yesterday to these meds. I was a complete mess before these and now i can actually think/breathe/sleep pretty decently. The constant onslaught of panic and anxiety is gone too. I'm making flight plans on monday after I talk to my boss too. I know you said before my life was ruled by fear and it was. I haven't been home in years because i'm petrified of flying but these pills are helping with that also, i'm actually reallllly looking forward to getting home and seeing my parents/grandmother/2 new nephews i've never met and the rest of my family. I think it will really help me out.

I won't have a car while i'm there so as for EE i'm going to see what my parents/brother are up to and if i can borrow a car or a ride to the train station. I'm hoping i'll be able to swing something though.

I am trying to identify those negative behaviors and i appreciate you pointing it out. I've lived almost 40 years like this and it's a challenge to change in a few weeks but i'm trying.

Once again, thanks for the help you're awesome.