Seperated and she is with someone - I'm desperate

[vdubber]

Thank you for your honest feedback Sandi. I agree I have been living as nothing more than an extension of her. I need to find myself and learn to be happy with just me. I had not read the codependancy book you refer to but I need to. I do agree with your comments about my co-dependency. We both were until at one point and I just never changed but need and want to.

My fear is in losing the one and only woman I've ever been in love with. You are right in telling me that that woman is already gone. I undestand and appreciate your advice that she has to feel she's lost me. I'm not sure how that ever happens even if I can muster up the willpower to be who I know I need to be for me. I can't even imagine ever wanting to be with someone else and so I'll defer that thought for now as i just can't think about it now.

I agree about the living situation. I'm doing a couple things to the house and I think this spring I will try and relocate for my sanity as I will never heal being in the middle like I am right now.

I am more than willing to change myself and I do want and need help to take the necessary steps and actions. I really do mean it and really want to change.

At this point no matter how unlikely it seems (and I'm sure to those of you that have been down this path my chances of fixing my marriage is very slim), I do not want to give up hope. I may have to face that reality down the road but I want to work on me and what I need to do without having to lose hope and desire if that is even possible.

[vdubber]

Thanks Edz. Yes self-esteem and confidence is definitely an issue I have. I also think of my W as more beautiful now than at any point in her life. Part of this is true and part of this is my awakening and appreciation of the beauty she always had. Either way, I know I need to think more of myself. I've also been told I'm handsome, the hard part is learning to believe you are and that you are worthy of happiness and respect.

Admittedly I have a very long way to go in this regard...

[sandi2]

My fear is in losing the one and only woman I've ever been in love with. You are right in telling me that that woman is already gone. I undestand and appreciate your advice that she has to feel she's lost me. I'm not sure how that ever happens even if I can muster up the willpower to be who I know I need to be for me. I can't even imagine ever wanting to be with someone else and so I'll defer that thought for now as i just can't think about it now.

Right, don't focus on losing the woman you love, or even think about anyone else. Just work at seeing what you need to change in yourself. You are taking a step in the right direction by reading these self-help books. When you read something that jumps out at you, maybe jot it down so you can remember it as one of your goals to work toward.

If you are willing, then you will get people here to support you. We all had to learn and we can't do it in a day or two. So, get the information and set personal improvement goals.

Your focus is to be about protecting you and the children (mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc.). It does not mean you are selfish by doing so. You are on a mission to improve your life, and you start by making changes in those areas you know are not good for you (like the location of where you live). You set aside time to be around other adults, making new friends and having some kind of social life. That is necessary for a healthy-rounded person. You do not keep your children everyday and night unless it is unsafe to stay with their mother. It does not mean you are a bad father by having her to keep them when it is her time. Do you have them every weekend? If so, you need to change that where it be fair for both parents. Many wayward mothers do not want to have their children when they are ready to go "out". If you do not have a balanced schedule for keeping the kids, you may have to go through the legal system. Don't be afraid of it.

Do what is good for vdubber. It is not your job to take care of your wayward wife. She should be responsible for her own issues, messes, bills, kids, and other adult things we have to deal with. It is not your responsibility to rescue her, or work out her problems she has caused.

[vdubber]

Thank you so much for your support and guidance. We rotate kids on Monday evenings so we do each have them a week at a time. I usually watch them a couple hours on her sunday so she can meet her friends but that is not going to happen and if she wants my S (18) to watch them he will need to do it at her place. I've been way to accommodating on many occasions

I'm a slow learner but I want to get better.

[Frank75]

I'm sorry man, I wish I could offer you as much help as everyone else here. Just man to man, keep your head up. I'm only 2 weeks into this and i HIGHLY recommend going to a doctor asap. I struggled my *** off for 2 weeks before sucking up my pride and getting some meds for panic/anxiety/depression. Just keep your head up and tackle each day as it comes. Good luck and as hard as it might be, try to think positive thoughts. No matter what happens, you WILL come out the other side a better person.

My thread has a ton of great info if you're still on moderation and need some helpful advice.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2532778&page=1

[vdubber]

Thank you Frank...I appreciate your kind words.

[vdubber]

I did pretty well today overall as I didn't contact the W at all. My heart wants to wish her goodnight but I know I must not. Tomorrow morning will mark 2 days of no contact. That may not seem like a big achievement but it's been a challenge for me and the longest we've ever been without contact. I am trying to come up with activities to keep the kids and I busy this weekend so I won't think too much. I have been writing in a journal for the first time in my life and I'm very thankful for the support I already feel with the members of this forum. Thank you and goodnight...

[sandi2]

That's how you do it. One step at a time. One hour........one day......one week.

[vdubber]

Thank you Sandi. Is it bad that I keep hoping she will text me just so I know she realizes I've stopped and represent some kind of interest in hearing from me? I don't even know what I would say if that did happen...I'm guessing I need to ignore it or at a minimum keep it short and unemotional. I realize this means I'm thinking about her too much which is opposite of what I'm going for and I really have made a big effort in that regard.

[Karma12]

i was the WAW in my first marriage. By the time I decided to end things I was emotionally done. I did not have an affair. I did though feel more respected and appreciated by other men that I was around at work.

Initially as hurtful as they may sound. Your wife will feel some relieve from the no contact. It is very stressful when you feel emotionally detached to have someone pressuring you. ( begging pleading). If you can give her space and time it will work to your advantage. Once the stress and pressure is lifted when you do have some contact or she sees you the contact will be more welcomed. Kinda like when you see an old friend you haven't seen for a while and you are happy to catch up.

This will only happen though if you don't talk about the R. and if you appear happy and together. This didn't happen overnight and it will not turn around overnight. Any push and she will go further away. I know I did.