[BrightFuture]

Thanks, job. H is at the vacation home, so he is not working. His work is in another state up North in the US. And now he is relaxing, playing water volleyball, golfing, drinking, checking his FB, etc. So, I would say he has some free time on his hands. Well, in between all these activities... I’m sure he is trying to keep himself as busy as possible, so he doesn’t have to reflect on his life, LOL.

It could be quite possible that H didn’t give the stuff to my friends yet. After all, they have their own life (with the child who seems to be constantly sick, especially this time a year), and H has his life, full of fun and excitement.

I don’t think I’m going to ask him about the cottage cheese. I didn’t send it to him to get some kind of reaction or thank you notes. I just felt like doing something nice at the moment, that’s all. Though him not mentioning it plays right into my lab testing. Either he thinks that I’m making some moves on him and doesn’t want to give me any “hope” (poor guy), or there are still some unresolved feelings about me. For the first reason, I would say if it is the case, he is seriously stuck. Come on, after 2 ½ years and NC from me, no mention of any R with him… Plus, he did want to be friends with me after all, so why not acknowledge something I did for him. He brought me the special sauce last year, and I was happy about it and thanked him.

I guess my mind still goes into the analysis mode. I just cannot help it. At least it is not affecting me the way it used to. It truly seems like a lab experiment now.

Job, I don’t think I feel anger towards H when he asks for a favor. I don’t know. I might have some of it. I’m trying to process my feelings to see what they are. I think I feel that I’m moving away from H, and every time he contacts me with some requests it just surprises me. In my mind, if I’m finally moving away, I think that H should be way ahead of me. It doesn’t come to my mind to ask H for favors, I only do business with him. So, why does he still feel comfortable asking me?

He wanted so badly to get away from me, to start a new phase of his life. I would think that he would try to separate everything that can be separated. Yet, he still wants to maintain the car insurance together, maintain the business together, some accounts, etc. Ask me to check the mail for HIS check… Ask me to bring the stuff for our mutual friends (they could have asked me directly)… I know that car insurance would be a bit more expensive if he separates from the joint policy, but would even $200-300 a year be worth of not being entangled with me anymore? He was never “cheap” like that when it came to his principals.

Maybe he is picking out of the tunnel a little. Hence this FB thing… All of the sudden he wanted to connect to all his friends and relatives. He was in a very little contact with his siblings, nieces and nephews for years. And now they are all friends on his FB (except one nephew, who is pretty much just like H used to be in terms of personality, hence no FB presence.) Plus some people in his friend’s circle, who he would never consider to keep in touch with before. I think he is definitely looking for some attention and connection. But I think that by doing this he is also avoiding to look inside.

As for me, I feel that something is changing inside. I still have bad days. I even cried the other day, thinking about the 17 years with H, feeling sorry for myself, that I wasted the best years of my life with the man who didn’t love me enough to do this to me after what we’ve been through together, when I always had his back and was very loyal and supportive wife, even though not perfect in terms of emotional maturity and communication.

But it all passed. I didn’t even post it at the time, because next day I didn’t feel like it was important.

Like I said, there is some kind of shift that happening very slow. I don’t feel a big knot in my stomach anymore and I feel like I can breathe easier. I just keep my fingers crossed that this will continue to get better.