Hey sweetie. I know that was a tough conversation to have. I can feel how raw your feelings are.
Couple of things, if thats ok. I believe in this process. I believe it can save us and sometimes it saves marriages. The reason I believe in it so strongly is because it was one of the things that saved me.
I also feel that dbing isnt a one size fits all kind of a thing. Because there are different situations and different people involved, it needs to be tweaked to fit us.
I say this because many people feel that we have to STFU all the time. They think that just because our spouse is in an MLC, that we cant say anything ever. I dont agree. Sometimes things just need to be said.
So, you told him how you feel and he heard you, right? Well, that's the hope anyway.
I think it is pretty impressive that you can both sit down and hash out the financial stuff. And good on you for standing your ground considering you are taking on a lot of the debt. Nothing at all wrong with standing for you.
As far as the kids go, he has to blame you. If he doesnt, it means it is him failing them and he cant handle that fact.
My son was around your son's age when all of this went down. I did not ever say a bad word about his father. Not one. Not an eye roll, not a bad face. I did tell them both that this relationship is theirs to forge and I promise to do nothing to cause any harm to it. And then I let them do just that. It was a long, tough road to be sure. They dont have the relationship they once had or the way they could have had, but they have a good one now.
Dont allow him to make you feel that you are the cause of a breakdown in that relationship as long as you are not causing harm to it. Truthfully, your son is old enough to figure out what he wants from his dad. The more you try to fix that for them, the more resentful your son will be of you. The reason is that your telling him ways he can be with his father, kind of points out to him that the relationship is lacking. He needs to figure this out himself without any assistance from you. Your h needs to know that you are not involved.
Now about dating...not a good idea right now. Trust me on that. It will lead to you or the other person being hurt. Plenty of time for that in the future if you choose. You arent ready to date, sweetie. You just arent. You need to finish your stuff first. Its important...to you and to the other person.
There is peace on the other side, D. I promise you that. But you have to walk your journey in order to get there. There arent any short cuts. You dont want any anyway. You dont want to miss any part of it. Each step is really important.
