I guess by cutting her off so extremely, I'm showing her what she expected... that I don't love her and think little of her. She wants someone of high value to value her and hear her.
You know what I would say about this, right?
Quote:
I want to do better over the coming months to create a possibility of my family coming back together.
How would you create a possibility?
I know you are still on a roller coaster b/c one time you talk about moving forward and make a life without her b/c you can't be M to her as things are. You start using firmer boundaries. Then you start beating yourself up.......even though she is totally out of line.....and you fall into your own victim pit. Now you say it's up to you to "create" a possibility of your family coming back together. Did you not try to do that when you still living with her? Just asking.
I have asked you several times if she has always been this irresponsible, and wishy-washy on everything around her. I know being a WW can intensify this behavior, but were you and S12 constantly having to readjust your lives b/c of her? If you were, then nothing has changed in that department.
I have to wonder when you are pointing your fingers at yourself and talking about getting your family back..........are you seeing that picture with your W as she was in the past before she became wayward? HP, she has not changed.
I see LBH'S wanting their WAW back at almost any price. But I don't see many of them say they want her as she is now. It's as if they think she'll automatically change back to her old self again. That is why I have asked you how much of her actions are the same as she's always had. (And I apologize if you have said and I missed it or have forgotten.) Have you always had to rescue her? Has she always expected you to bend to accommodate her? Has she always been bad to make agreements or promises, only to break it time and time again? And.........would you take her back if you knew she would never change (minus the OM).
HP, what are you willing to live with, if reconciliation is possible? We do a lot of talking about the LBS changing, and not enough talk about what the WAS needs to do to make it work again. I am pretty sure you would insist on her ending contact with OM, and things along that line. However, that has not come into your conversation much lately (which is good), but it is her unwillingness to stick to what she says she'll do. That seems to be the sore spot for you (and who wouldn't get fed up?), so will she stop that behavior pattern....or could you live with it for the rest of your life? When you see the "picture" of your family together again, how she is acting on a daily bases in that picture? Not what you dream about, but on what you know about her. IMHO, that is the decision you need to consider at this point. You are the only one who can answer the question. You are the one who knows her. Do not confuse your hopes by being completely unrealistic. I am not saying you are or aren't. I just want you to keep a clear head and thereby having a clear vision.
Everyone would want to reconcile if the spouse became what/who we wanted, right? You may, or may not, decide to move forward and be happy while she either becomes someone you would love to live with........or you may decide to take her as she is right now, without any expectations of her getting better. Perhaps that choice would give you a better perspective.
Of course you want to be a man that any woman would be a fool to leave. In reality, there are a lot of fools in this world. . Don't lose your own self worth and core values. Don't sacrifice your own happiness and love out of what you see as being that man, okay? You are seeing her wanting a H who values her and will listen. Fair enough, everyone wants that much. But you get down on yourself and get all out of balance and don't think about what you deserve. Don't you want a W who respects you, be your lover, and will be an equal partner in life?
I am not trying to get you to decide one way or the other. I just want you to keep a clear vision and decide what is best for HP.
P.S. You are still allowing what she said about missing you to weigh too heavy on your mind. She just said it that once, that I know about, but you continue to make reference to it. You were the one who made it into more than how she meant it, IMO.. She "used" it, HP. Now you need to get past it and stop lingering on it. Can you do it?
((HP))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
. Don't lose your own self worth and core values. Don't sacrifice your own happiness and love out of what you see as being that man, okay? You are seeing her wanting a H who values her and will listen. Fair enough, everyone wants that much. But you get down on yourself and get all out of balance and don't think about what you deserve. Don't you want a W who respects you, be your lover, and will be an equal partner in life? 