Singing in the Lifeboat

[daring]

Hey LiveNow you are back! You are right we will be ok- but man this process
Su€Ks!
Warning...... Long post
So we just had our final meeting about the divorce terms. Strangely I seemed to have to push him to meet. But I'm tired of it hanging out there. It got tense for a bit. At one point he was talking about splitting up the debt and I just needed to clear the air about what I was feeling/thinking. So I said " look- here's how I see it- you blew a bunch of money the last few years, you bought vehicles instead of taking a salary for a whole year, you're only paying 10% of your kids expenses, and you're getting out of the entire IRS debt. I'm willing to listen to your proposal but I don't have much empathy for your situation." He was speechless for several minutes- and d@mn it felt good to get that out- I really needed to.
Then at another point he was talking about how I can't really say I shouldn't contribute to the foreclosed house in FL when that's a debt we both shares. I lost it at that point and pointed on the paper where we had thinks written and said " I most certainly can think that because THIS ( the IRS bill) is a joint responsibility due in a large part to your irresponsibility and in paying the whole thing so yes I can think that". And we literally stared each other down for like 60 seconds after that. Daggers were coming out of my eyes again and he looked more concerned than angry. Then I asked about the money owed to his company and said " I still don't know what that is and if I ask for documentation who knows what I'll get because they are your friends so they might just BS for you. He did come out and say he had already given one business partner what he owed him and some of it was to pay towards taxes and part of what he had used to live on "might have been" our portion of money. Ummmhmmm- as I suspected. But in the end I'm not paying a dime of it so whatever!
He asked if I felt the final result was fair. I said essentially ( I got the deal I wanted but I'm not sure the word fair really ever has a place in divorce). I said " yes I'm ok with it. But last time we met about this you said you wanted no more negativity going forward. You know its not going to be all sunshine and rainbows just because we've completed this right?" He said yes he just doesn't want to keep looking backwards. Ok.
After we got through the finances part he brought up the kids. He seemed worried I wouldn't work with him on he schedule or that I thought they didn't need to spend time with him too. What? I've never done that. So I asked more questions. He did I need to just trust him to " be himself" and make the right decisions for them based on their feelings and where they are. Ok so on the one hand yes- he loves the kids and overall is a very good dad. But on the flip side " trust him to be himself"???? I'm not even sure who that is anymore and he sure as hell doesn't seem to either. I decided not to go there though. He seemed to think part of that b/c I felt he wasn't supportive of taking S8 to counseling. He said he was supportive- I said it didn't seem like it and o think you're in denial sometimes b/c you've said all along they will be ok b/c we don't parent like our parents did. He said well yes I know S8 is having a hard time but we shouldn't project our issues onto then. wTF??? That pi$$ed me off and I said so- I did not, however, talk about him being the king of projection which is why we are where we are currently ( ie I was the bad wife). Though he doesn't completely blame me anymore. Then he started talking about how he's having absolutely no interaction with S17 and I said do you think that's related to me? He said I don't know- you're not necessarily responsible for or actually acting on my fears. Said he's just not sure.
So then I start bawling, and he could see I was really hurt. I said " I may over worry about the kids but I will never ever put them in the middle of anything or try to get them to take sides or keep them from you. You know how my parents did that to me and I would never ever put my own kids through that and don't ever think that of me. Every morning I take S17 to school and talk to him about ideas to spend time with you. When I learned you were gound to your buddy's for the Super Bowl I suggested he reach out to go." He apologized profusely, said he didn't see that so he didn't know ( ummm talk about projection and aren't you the one who chose to leave and thus would not be around to se this stuff?????)

After the couple hour conversation- he says " I know our relationship is forever changed from this process and in not thrilled about that. I'm here to listen if you want to, I still care. You may not want to and that's ok but I'm here". I said thank you. I didn't offer the same. And I didn't say I would take him up on it.
The fact that he even used the word projection means he is doing some work on himself which is good. But I need a break from him.

I know I'm not ready for a relationship but I might casually date a little bit. I feel like it will help for me to get " out there".